API! API! API!

I refuse to did not see myself as a drama queen, much to the objection of my close friends…I often thought my other friend would be aptly named as a drama queen instead of me…

Let me just describe this dear friend of mine as Ipoh born and bred…

*waive at her* then *run*

May be this event cemented the title onto my name…Just for the record, this emergency-worthy incident took place years ago when I was a student, renting with some other very dear dear friends.

This other friend of mine is very meticulous. Suffice to say, she even iron…erm…her T-shirt.

So, there she was, routinely ironed her tudung. The rest of us went about doing our own thing around the house…I think, altogether, there were five of us. I was, I think, sitting on the floor, quite close to where she was ironing, reading, I think.

Then, suddenly, the IRON CAUGHT FIRE. It caught fire at the connection between the iron’s body and the wire. She let out a small cry (not dramatic at all this friend of mine…more logical and practical). With a house as big as a chicken coop, her faint cry caught our attention.

At the speed of light, I stood up, faced the burning iron, flapped my hand like a chicken, and loudly yelled “API! API! API! API! API! AAAA! API! API! API!”

Needless to say, after I lost my breath yelling for help like a damsel in distress, the atmosphere became calm and quiet. All eyes were on me. Another more collected and calm friend just poured a glass, yes, just a glass of water onto the burning iron and the fire ceased. On the other hand, my logical and practical friend, still standing at the same spot, was seen dabbing her slightly burnt hand, and obviously was taken aback at my method of looking for help.

I blurted out: “Aaa…nasib baik…dah…padam.”

My other less sympathetic friend said: “Ko ni kenapa? Tak pasal pasal satu blok ni belari kuar kang…”

It didn’t stop there… “Ko punya jerit…memang macam satu blok nilah dah tebakar…”

-__-

father's day

Birthdays, anniversaries, Father...Mother's Days are all celebrated without fail in my family...so much so that the element of surprise is almost to a point of non-existence...hahaha...

you know what will be a surprise? NO celebration whatsoever. Hahahaha...

Father's Day I believe is around the corner...I do not keep track anymore of it for some obvious reason. four birthday cakes and four father's day is an entry I wrote way back in 2009/2010 I think. Marking the number of lost Father's Day celebration...This year would be the fifth year...or sixth?

Kata math dapat A...

In my family's photo album, you would find a lot of photo like this...

When we ran through these photos...we would lose track as to what is being celebrated, who is being celebrated,,,what is the year and etcetera...

To identify the person being celebrated...we rely on this method ---> idenitfy the candle blower.

So for the picture above...it was obviously my father being celebrated...for either father's day or his birthday. The year tak ingat la...but looking at my mum still-tout skin...I'd say....mid to late 1990...

I miss my father. Very much and everyday.

something that i wrote for academic purposes

The old-newspaper "apek" of my hometown in Kuala Pilah, Negeri Sembilan loved to stop by at our house simply because he knew that, tonnes of newspapers would be waiting for him there. Most of the newspapers were contributed by my late father. He loved to read the newspapers.

My late father did not have to forcefully shove the idea of reading in English to me. He would simply set the example by reading newspapers like The Star, The New Straits Times without fail everyday. The love towards reading was eventually passed onto his youngest daughter.

What started as a joke, eventually became a habit for him to talk to me in English. If I ever talked to him in my mother tongue, he would pretend not to understand it. Sometimes, he would deliberately handed me the wrong things when I requested for something in my mother tongue. Naturally, I polished my English speaking skills through his accidental game. I bet that it did not even occurred to him at that point that this simple gestures would do wonder to me in later years.

Stemming from there, I gradually showcased my love towards English. From primary level till secondary level, I have always performed quite well in English related activities such as debate, story telling, and coral speaking to name a few.

His fine example came to its grand peak when I graduated in  2008 with BEd (TESL) from Universiti Teknologi MARA or UiTM.Without him to witness one of the historic moments in my life was, of course, very hurtful. After all, I was there on stage because of his example.  Just a few months prior to the convocation ceremony in May, I was accepted to be a part of a very dynamic team of English lecturers in Multimedia University or MMU, Cyberjaya. Again, I was not able to treat him with fine dinner or a good watch with my first paycheck.

Nevertheless, he has given me the greatest gift of all, one that will stay with me forever. A gift that, with my profession right now, enables me to share them with my students - English.

just the willingness to get hurt

He said: “Rugby does not require skills, just the willingness to get hurt.”

Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad, A Doctor In The House (2011)

I found this amusing.

^__^

hidung dia kaler peach

5-year-old Lisa to her parents.

"Ma...Icha suka Ma..yang hidung dia kaler peach tu Ma..."

O_o

"Hidung dia kaler peach...?...rabbit ke Cha?"

"Bukan...bukan....ada Ma...Hidung dia kaler peach..."

By now...my sister and bro-in-law were puzzled as to what Lisa was actually referring to...they should be...i mean...the hint is so limited ---> hidung kaler peach...

piglet pon hidung kaler peach Cha... -__-

"Hamster ke Cha?"

She kept quiet...could be because...she only knows that H is for one thing only...in school, teacher thought her that H is for House, not Hamster...

And so they youtube hamster (students, what is the part of speech for youtube in this sentence?)

"Ha...ni lah Ma...Tu...hidung dia tu kan kaler peach..."

Again Lisa...the hint is too limited!

"Ma...Cha nak hamster ni Ma...Cha nak..."

"Sape nak bela? Mama work make up...Babah work Pelamin...Sape nak bagi hamster Cha makan nanti?"

She kept quiet...

"Haa...NENEK? Nenek mesti suka...sebab hamster tu comel..."

Lisa...if only you knew...kepantangan nenek ko tu...hamster la...

We later told nenek about this...she said...

"Cha...ko bela jerlah hamster tu kat dalam youtube"

opposite attracts and stays

Opposite attracts they say.

Do you agree?

The closest example I observe would be my parents.

Ayah loveeeeed to rear animals. He rarely thought about it twice when it comes the four-legged or the two-legged.

As opposed to my mother who would go frantic upon hearing the word “binatang” itself…Hahahahahaha…Mama…Mama ni tak environmentalist la…

“Kawan rasa nak bela ayam serama la Ma…”

*mata mama terbeliak*

“Ma…Kawan beli burung murai ni…tengok ni…mana nak gantung sangkar ni Ma?”

*Mama urut dada*

“Awak ada besen Ma?”

“Awak nak buat ape?”

“Ni Kawan balik mancing tadi…ada tangkap labi-labi ni ha…”

*Mama ternganga*

Dekat rumah nenek…kawasan lagi besar…laaaagi banyak lah benda Ayah nak bela: ayam, itik, kucing, burung lagi… …

He just loved to spend time with them (it’s not true), to feed them (it’s not true), to clean their coop or cage (it’s not true), and to clean after them (it’s not true).

Hahahaha…bukan Mama anti binatang ke ape…The thing is…Ayah selalunya…just suka the idea of having the animals around…but the dirty job…Mama yang selalu kena! LOL!!!

So, selalunya…things will end up like this…Ayah would play and admire his ayam serama whilst Mama would have to clean up the coop…hahahahahaha…even the burung murai…Ayah would whistle away with the bird…then off he went…leaving the feeding and the cleaning part to my mother…hahahahahaha…poor mum!

Terkumat kamit lah mulut Mama membebel…tapi dia buat gak…haih…pengorbanan seorang insan bernama isteri.

Itu baru pe’el suami dia…

Anak anak Mama pon 2 x 5 gak…hahahaha…

“Long…kenapa ko bawa balik tikus ni long?”

“Ni bukan tikus la ma…ni hamster…”

“Ma…kucing aye dah terberak kat atas kusyen…”

“Ma…kucing dah kencing kat cadar…”

“Ma…kucing dah curi makan ikan kembung tu sekor…”

“Ma…nak kangkung…nak bagi kura kura ni makan…”

Her entire life, Mama tak pernah do anything for herself…semuanya dia buat untuk family dia…

Pengorbanan seorang insane bernama isteri DAN ibu.

 mesti si gadis ni tak sangka...in the future...she will have to put up with a lot of kerenah from her hubby and children...

opposite attracts

Opposite attracts they say.

Do you agree?

The closest example I observe would be my parents.

 acehcehceh...lentok lentok lak mama...eleh...

Ayah loveeeeed to buy stuff. He rarely thought about it twice when it comes to purchase. He just loved to spend, anything from gadgets to cars to animals (yes, poor them animals) to cooking ware (yes, cooking ware) to medicine to cooking condiments.

As opposed to my mother who would faint 3 times go frantic upon hearing the word “beli” itself…Hahahahahaha….


That was why, masa kecik kecik dulu dah besar ni pon bila tak beringgit….we preferred to run to him instead when we wanted to buy anything that we fancy.

“Yah…nak beli…erm…pensil picit picit satu yah…”

“Ok…Nah...Blaja rajin rajin”

Jump in joy

“Yah…nak beli…ada beg ni…caaaaantik…”

“Ye ke…Nah.”

Guling guling in joy

“Yah…nak reket baru…yang ni dah bengkok…”

“La…Ye ke…Sian la anak ayah main badminton pakai reket bengkok…Nah.”

Grinning in joy

It is entirely different story if you were to ask this to my mother.

“Ma…nak beli…erm…pensil picit picit satu Ma…”

*cekak pinggang* “Pensil ko yang lama dulu tu mana? Dah rosak la tu...Ah tak payah…pakai je pensil 2B yang ada tu”

mata terkebil-kebil

“Ma…nak beli…ada beg ni…caaaaantik…”

*mata mama jadi beeeeesar giler* “BEEEEEEEEEEEGGGG???????”

Lari

“Ma…nak reket baru…yang ni dah bengkok…”

*tengok muka peminta sedekah anak dia pon tak*  “Alaa…baru sekali tu jerlah ko hayun reket badminton tu…dah taaaak payah.”

Berkecai impian nak jadi pemain badminton negara

meow vs anjing

conversation between a father and daughter:

f: Icha...Cha ni comel la...cute la...cute macam meow la...
d: Babah pon cute...cute macam anjing...

-__-

hussein

Seven-year-old Harris @ Abang doing his English homework. As usual, under my supervision - hawk-eye like...hahaha...

He has to do some rearrange sentences kinda exercise. Something like this:

walks | school | Hussein | to | everyday   -------> so friggin easy...

Mummy (M): Okay Abang...rearrange this.

Abang (A): Mummy, Hussein tu ape?

M: Hussein tu bukan ape, tapi  siapa...Hussein tu kan nama orang...macam Ali, Abu, Samy...

A: ... ... ... Hussein tu nama tempat la Mummy.

M: Eh, apa pulak nama tempat...Hussein tu nama orang la...

A: Hussein tu nama tempat...

Eh...degil la plak pandai... banyak bertanya anak murid aku nih...

M: Abang...Hussein tu nama orang...Hussein suka minum susu.

A: Tapi, Abang tinggal kat Bandar Tun Hussein Onn...kan nama tempat tu...

O_o   Dang! *slap own dahi*

M: Oh...hahahahahahahahaha...ya ya....Bandar Tun Hussein Onn tu memang nama tempat...dia guna nama Tun Hussein Onn...Tun Hussein Onn orang, dia ni popular dulu...

A: Macam Bandar Tun Razak?

M: Ha! Macam tu lah...

A: Mummy kenal Tun Razak?

M: Kenallah...

A: Kenapa Mummy kenal???

 -__-

jusco

A conversation between my sister and her five-year-old daughter Icha @ Lisa at Popular Bookstore inside Jusco.




Icha: Ma, Icha nak kaler pensil Ma...
HM: Ok sayang...tapi kita tengok kaler pensil yang kat dalam Jusco okay...kat sini macam mahal...
Icha: Ma, kita kat dalam Jusco la ni Ma...
HM: Eh...Hahaha...Yelah, tapi kita sekarang kan kat dalam kedai buku Popular...nanti kita gi tengok yang kat Jusco punya okay...
Icha: ...Ma, kita kat Jusco la dah ni Ma...

to ponteng or not to ponteng

my role as a daughter, significant other, friend, foe, student, part-time worker, etc...

paling best masa jadi student. ko leh decide. nak g kelas ke nak ponteng aje. aku siap ada log tu. nak tgk, kelas mana yg leh di-ponteng-kan, mana yg takleh. kehkeh. skang, table has been turned. aku dh takleh decide, nak g kelas mengaja ke nak mc jer hari ni. lol. boleh ar. bg jer exercise, ckp kan tu graded. duk diam2 ko n buat. lol. masuk kelas boleh bawa masuk otak kosong. tenung, angguk~ya ya ya. skang, kelas master. you REALLY look stupid if u do that. dh ada benchmark lain ar plak. benci.

tapi, tang assigment. maintain. last minute baru feel. idea baru datang. hasil baru separuh bagus. kahkah. dh dapat result, baru ar pujuk diri atau kawan2 lain yg down. ok ar tu woi. ni ko baru buat sehari. cuba ko bayangkan kot ko buat benda ni seminggu awal...mesti markah ko dh sama ngan kak nora. kahkah. applicable gak skang dlm kelas master.

aku rasa, aku mmg ada musuh masa blaja dulu. mesti ada jer yg berbulu ngan aku. walau aku jenis yg pergi kelas, balik kelas. aku pon ada gak terbuat musuh ngan certain org, di mana, pertalian itu tak mungkin akan jadi se-smooth dulu dh. well, shit happened, its always out of our control. 

kelas sapa aku paling suker. kieran - literature and media. masuk kelas, tgk movie. lovely. stress free. aku dapat A tak kelas dia nih. aku pon dh luper. kelas miss jamee. aku rasa, kelas kitaorg, adalah kelas first dia masa dia kat uitm. agaknyerlah. kiranya, kitaorg adalah student batch pertama dia. rasanyalah. dlm byk2 benda yg miss jamee membebel dlm kelas dia, malaysian studies kot, satu pon aku tak ingat. cuma ini jer yg aku ingat. 

mendongak (dia tinggi weh) dan tanya: miss, sape yg dapat A miss, sape? 
menunduk, spek jatuh skit dan jawab: A is for Allah, B is for (tak ingat) and C is for you.
mmg aku tak dapat A pon last2.tengkiulah miss.

kelas controversial. kelas mana lagi. kelas writing lah. En. F owh En. F ............................

kelas yg aku rasa paling susah nak harungi/tempuhi/lalui....kelas asian lit.lets make it brief.
aku masuk pon dh lmbt. im not supposed to be in it nway. but since my dad takmo susahkan kitaorg sgt by leaving us much faster than we thot, aku tak jadi extend. first kelas jer dh tanya/diskusi pasal death and parents. aiyoyo...aku diam jer. gigt lah lagi jari yg dh tak berkuku ni. tak tahan, bangun, keluar menangis sudah kat hujung koridor. 

kelas aku paling terkesima, kelas sociolinguistik kot. dgn erm...pelat(?) lecturer tersebut...lol...dan kecenderungannya terhadap en ampizan kiter. hehe....bila dia dh cenderung kat ampizan, what it does mean? lol

literature

my role as a daughter, significant other, friend, foe, student, part-time worker, etc...

aku nak tanya. sape yg baca mol flanders sampai habis? and that japanese writer? sons and lovers? well, i don't. kahkah. semuanya aku tgk kat dalam cliff notes atau internet. meow meow...para lecturers, menyesal tak bg markah yg decent? kihkih...maybe dats why aku tak grad first class...

can i consider myself as a literature student? to kill a mocking bird pon tak pass lagi. owh how embarrassing. and...and...i once thot animal farm IS about animal. damn u orwell. write a decent title next time please, sunthimg more...erm...direct (?) perhaps...

aku ni short attention span kot. short stories aku suker lah. or light story...inspektor call, flowers for algernon (fav fav fav), ah, rocking horse winner...(sape tak suker), i like dahl's stories too...hhm...nah, im not that shallow after all...

since literature does not right or wrong answer. so, i kelentong my way out lor...

i even kelentong my way IN and OUT of the classroom now. kahkah...

pak guard i hate you

my role as a daughter, significant other, friend, foe, student, part-time worker, etc...

owh pak guard. i fucking hate u. cos u selalu double standard. kalau bontot i mmg dh besar, selabuh mana pon, terangkot kot baju tu. budak2 intect ut u tak tahan pulak. yg lain, berlambak ajer yg pakai baju, atas gila babi nak mampos dari punggung, u kasi jer lepas. konsep dia, biar labuh, jarang takpe...wtf...ah, ini adalah salah satu sbb juga kenapa aku selalu ponteng kelas...takde baju dh nak pakai...nak beli baju baru, mama ckp tu alasan. pakai baju kurung ajer sudah pas tu. so, everyday is a monday and friday for me. mmg aku tak outstanding ar kat fac...takleh nak pakai baju fancy2...hazwanee lain ar...dia ada keta (sorry haz, mmg bukan salah ko, ko ada priviledge berkereta ke fac, pak guard ni ha). pak guard tak check pon org yg naik keta...yg jalan kaki nilah ha, ketiak peluh2 berlengan panjang, kaki lenguh lenguh ni yg diaorg tahan...ass...trick yg aku selalu buat, jln laju2...buat2 sibuk...mcm dh lmbt kelas ke, marah kt org ke...dia nak tegur pon, suara ko dh lagi kuat dari dia...so, lepas ar...all in all, ko mmg bias pak guard.

owh.org yg tunggu turn nak pakai computer, yg bilangannya, masa zaman aku, tersgtlah ciput. mcm haram jadah dok tercongok kat belakang ko. ass...kata tgh prepare nak g obersea, buat ar perangai camtu...kena bantai ngan budak skinhead kat jerman nnt baru tau. stooopidos.

owh. men in faculty of education, adalah men yg paling lah hai bosanyyer. takdo sapo untuk den cuci mato. untuk dapat surat cinta mcm kwn yg lain? haram. mungkin sbb aku gemok? cos ade jer yg ckp, siti tu kot slim sikit, aku dh tackle dh...my ass...balas aku. dia tu, kot berakal sikit, aku dh sambar dh. ptuih. mungkin aku patut amek engineering dulu.tu ar. bodoh fizik lagi.

owh intec students. what a snob. aku mmg racist terhadap mereka. snobbish nak mampos. mcm semuanya gerenti nak mampos dapat fly...term yg sgt aku menyampah. fly fly fly. your fly is open jerk. wake up and smell the coffee.

owh senior2 ku. tak rapat. aku lah. sgt tak rapat. hampir tak kenal. mungkin jua. kenapa? kot asyik g kelas balik kelas, ponteng kelas, tido, skip event...nak kenai mcm maner? lol. ada gak aku terfikir. would it be different...if i weren't this far apart from them? it may be different i guess. well, given another chance, i think i will just keep thing the way it is.

owh.hubungan ngan lecturer. pon tak rapat. aku sedikit hairan, bukan lah jeles atau jaki...dgn mereka2 yg mampu menjalinkan sirraturrahim yg baik dgn si leturer2. aku rasa, aku paling byk buat trip ke bilik lecturer adalah bila aku harus menyiap kan AE aku. tu pon, it is mandatory for you to meet up with your supervisor. lima minit pon dh kira lama. what a torture. even when i am one, i do not know how to form a non teacher-student relationship with my students. if they come to me and the reason is just to say hi......i will be like...ok, hi. (silent - awkward) can i help u with anything else? no? ok, c u in clas tomorrow. masa sekolah2 dulu pon cam gitu gak...it came naturally lah kot to me...org lain2...

ayah terer

“Do you want to eat anything? I can cook it for you. What do you have in mind?” he asked, from his usual position at the dining table, wearing his usual brown and blue checked sarung with starch white pagoda round neck shirt and a Lucky Strike dandling from the corner of his mouth, beneath his bushy grayish moustache.

“I think I want to eat “masak asam”….I’ve been dying to eat it since last week anyway. “Can you cook it for me, ayah?” I answered, not letting go of the opportunity whilst wearing the tired look on my face, considering I’ve just got back home from Shah Alam in a bus.

And so, in merely a few minutes after that, I ate delicious “masak asam” cooked by my ayah. He is a fast and talented cook. He can cook a few rather complicated dishes in just an hour time. Like Anthony Bourdein and with chilies as his must-have ingredients, he would begin experimenting with food. He loves to produce new recipe, and I am happy to become his taster. For fear of being asked to cook herself (my mother is not very fond of cooking), she will always ask us, siblings, to compliment on any food that he had meticulously prepared, so that he will have enough pride to cook again.

Out of his love towards chilies, ayah has planted 436 of these plants at my grandmother’s backyard. Therefore, he spends a lot of time here, tending to his chickens and ducks, not forgetting the grey cat. This is also the place where I always found him, with a newspaper at hand, too engross in his mind that he failed to notice my presence right beside him. You know what they say about a man and his newspaper; they are not actually reading it, their mind was on something else.

He is not only fast in cooking, but also fast in driving! Without a doubt, his skills in driving are excellent, just like Juan Pablo Montoya. With his thinning skin around his arm and hand, due to the medicine that he took for his failing liver, my ayah would grip the steering wheel and off we go to Terengganu, Malacca,

Kuala Lumpur

and Johore. Due to the high speed driving, we would arrive at these places in no time.

Once, at around ten in the evening, I asked him. “Where did you just go, I haven’t seen you all day.”

Casually, very casually, he answered, “Oh, I’ve just got back from

Penang

in Bagan Serai, I have to buy something for my “kebun”.

And I was like, “But I saw you this morning at eight, eating in the kitchen.”

He smiled, forcing his bushy moustache to tweak a little upward, “Yes, and I went to

Penang

half an hour after that.”

Imagine that. I can assure you that there are no hyperbole elements in the statements above.

With him in the driver seat, I was never once afraid or worried when he sped or overtook the car in front of us. He is also the one that taught me many lessons in driving, such as…

Before you turn on the ignition, prepare a mental note of where do you want to go.
Pick a route and stick to it.
When your car was hit from the back, try not to stop and check the damages. Go straight to the police station or crowd.
And I adhere to his advice on driving. I’m planning to convey these driving tips to my boyfriend soon (he is in the process of getting his drover’s license).

My ayah is not very fond of sleeping at hotels and our relatives’ houses. This is may be due to the fact that he does not like to burden other people. And it was due to this fact as well that made me had little chance to have a sleepover at my friends’ houses or went for school trips during my high school years.

In every few months, my ayah would be away from home for a couple of days. He would spend his time in the jungle to fish, hunt or join the 4 x 4. Upon hearing the sound of engine, I would be happy to greet him, bring his stuff into the house and check out what exotic animals did he managed to hunt this time. In previous trips, we had scrumptious meals of “rendang” from porcupine meat and “pelanduk”.

I have to thank him for instilling the habit of reading in me. His fondness towards newspaper is unquestionable. Once, after a hunting trip, he came home to a house without the daily newspaper and boy, you should see that look on his face. We, my brother and I quickly went out to the news vendor and bought one home. He encourages me to read national geographic, biography, war stories and encyclopedia.

My ayah is a morning person. He would get up early in the morning, prepares breakfast for us in the form of fattening nasi lemak or fried mihun. With his wavy hair neatly combed, his long sleeve blue shirt smartly tucked in, he would go to the wet market picking and choosing the best and the fresh fish, chicken or vegetable for lunch. His routine is very much expected by the vendors at the wet market that if they found my mother instead of him doing the chores, they would ask about his whereabouts.

Well, I guess that is it about my beloved ayah. I hope that through his habits, attitudes, hobbies and other traits that I have mentioned above could give you a clear description about his true persona.

zaman belajar...

circa 2002 ~ circa 2007
University Teknologi MARA, Sek 17, Shah Alam
my role as a daughter, significant other, friend, foe, student, part-time worker, etc...

wow.tinggal kat hostel.sempoi. cos tak pernah selama 11 tahun pembelajaran ku di sekolah rendah dan menengah. tidakkah aku layak untuk ke mrsm ke, tkc ker? takde offer ke? erm..takde.mungkin aku bodoh? atau mungkin aku sekolah aliran cina. well, pipi aku tak tersorong sorong pon nak pi sek sek yg mcm tu. aku budak smchkp. tau? tak tau kan...heh...aku jenis anak yg dijemput dan dihantar. nak gi mana? tuisyen, ok hantar. mana? keluar minum? ok hntr. mana? beli buku? hntr. you got the drift.

so, wow...bila dapat duk hostel...rasa sgt seronok...kenal kengkwn melayu...hurm? statement bunyi mcm poyo? mmg. sebelas tahun, rakan2 melayu ku boleh dibilang dgn jari ku yg tak berkuku ini. sekolah cina.waddya expect. mmg semua kawan2 aku cinacinabeng belaka. best fren ku di kindergarten - cina, sek ren - cina, sem men - cina. tapi, takdelah aku ekstrem sgt samapi kongsi ba kut teh dgn diaorg - akai masih ada ma...lagi pon, aku dh dapat foreshadow selsema babi akan muncul in the future, which is now. lol.

so, rakan melayu pertama ku - sharina, mai - cos mereka lah teman serumahku. then didi, awere, tya, chas...syahda, nana hamdan and you know who you are. 

paling cibai sekali masa di akasia. masa nak g fac. bus mcm haram. beratur? apakah itu? lmbt masuk kelas. lee lai fong leh lak ckp..i used to walk you know, from 18 to here...u shud too...shud my ass...itu zaman u miss, kereta masih berenjin kan lembu, lapisan ozon masih setebal rmbutmu...yah, we can walk, then we are at risk of getin lung and skin cancer. 

bus service, we can never beat the intec ppl. damn u intec. mcmlah preparation ko nak g obersea lagi penting dari pembelajaran kami, si semutsemut ini. ass. owh, lagi cibai bila oakcik drebar bas bukak radio yg dj nyer adalah abby fana. hel-lo, sape disana? sarapan ape pagi ni bang? nasi lemak jer??? OMG. watta torture that is.

owh. kesatria. how can i forget. kawad? kawad? siti nak berkawad. meh sini, aku bukak buku alasanku. dengan seribu alasan jualah, aku dan beberapa org rakanku yg lain, dapat menangkis pembelian t-shirt kesatria, yg mmg aku rasa sgt burok!!!!! tudung takleh ada bertepi lah. kerongsang kena selit ke dalam lah...watta hell...sorry kak nora. lol. highlight mungkin tpt berkawad/berkumpul kot. kat hostel lelaki. wow. view boxer dan spendar mereka, bergantungan di tingkap. sejok mata memandang. for that reason. sem dua. aku n beberapa org rakanku, amek ko-ku pengurusan jenazah. amin. 

dining hall ada. tapi servicenyer takde. mungkin projek gajah putih. therefore, elaun mkn diberi. byk ar. sweet bila dapat. elaun ini invisible. parents jarang diberitahu. therefore, duit poket terus disalurkan. hebat. 

aku paling suker sorok sotong/udang/cebisan ayam bawah nasi. mahal tu nak beli. sorok sudah. terlepas ar selalu. maafkan saya makcik cafe.

my father

here i am again….
seems like it was yesterday when i saw your face memang betul pun ayah, memang macam baru semalam ayah masak untuk kitaorang…
you told me how proud you were, but i walked away haha…adik ingat lagi…ada perselisihan faham that we had…i remembered, i called you…trying to solve the arguement that you had with abang meme…i told you that abang meme tu sebenarnye sayangkan ayah…kalau dia tak nak cakap ngan ayah pun…ayahlah try cakap dengan dia dulu, abang nampak je macam tu, tapi dia lembut hati…then ayah cakap…ayah tau anak anak ayah…yang tengah bercakap dengan ayah ni pun hati dia keras tapi lembut gak…
if only i knew what i know today
oohh, oohh kalaulah adik tau yah…semua ni akan berlaku…adik takkan halang ayah bia ayah nak hantar adik balik shah alam, bukan adik tak nak, adik cuma tak nak menyusahkan ayah…tol and duit minyak lagi…bila ayah ajak pergi beli kerang, adik cakap tak nak sebab malas nak mandi….bila ayah…macam macam lagilah…
i would hold you in my arms : ) adik ingat lagi…memang best dapat peluk ayah…cium bau bedak cuticura….
i would take the pain away memang tak logik kalau nak pikul kesakitan yang ayah tanggung….tapi kalau at least adik dapat kurangkan separuh….at least bawa ayah balik pilah naik helicopter instead of ambulan…jalan teruk…lubang sana sini…ayah cukup tak selesa masa tu, adik tau…
thank you for all you’ve done ayah, ayah hantar and jemput adik ke sekolah tiap tiap hari dari tadika hingga habis sekolah menengah…pegi tuition lagi…pegi rumah si kurus…rumah siow feh yee….ape lagi yang ayah tak buat…masak untuk kitaorang…makanan yang best best….bagi duit belanja…ayah carikan buluh lemang unutk drama adik…siap bakar lemang tu supaya nmpk real…kawan kawan ayah semua tanya…buek apo ekau bakar buluh kosong nal…ayah datang shah alam tengok teater adik…ape lagi yang ayah tak buat…semuanya ayah buat…
forgive all your my, MY, MY mistakes adik tak rasa adik sempat minta maaf ngan ayah…adik minta ampun yah…atas segala salah silap adik…terkasar bahasa…teringkar perintah…maafkan adik yah…
there’s nothing that i wouldn’t do
to hear you voice again adik selalu gak tengok video ayah dalam phone adik…saje…nak dengar suara ayah…
sometimes i wanna call you adik pernah sekali terdial number ayah………tak sedar…….tercall……..
but i know you won’t be there bila operater tu cakap number ni tiada dalam perkhidmatan, baru adik sedar…adik sendiri yang pergi potong line handphone ayah….
oohh i’m sorry for blaming you
for everything i just couldn’t do banyak yah…yang adik tak dapat buat……masa ayah ada…banyak yang adik tak dapat buktikan kat ayah…….
and i’ve hurt myself by hurting you adik memang susah nak maafkan diri adik…somehow…i feel guilty….
some days i feel broke inside but i won’t admit abang dd, meme, kak long and especially mama, tak tau yang i’m really hurting inside…i have difficulties coping with your lost….except for him…..i always tell him….
sometimes i just wanna hide cos its you i miss
and its so hard to say goodbye ya, memang terlalu susah nak lepaskan ayah pergi…adik tahu…adik kena relakan…ya, adik relakan pemergian ayah…tapi susah yah…
when it comes to this oohh
would you tell me i was wrong
would you help me understand kalau bolah, adik nak ayah yang bagitau sendiri macam mana caranya……….which is impossible…i know….
are you looking down upon me
are you proud of who i am adik rasa…ayah tak sempat pun nak bangga kat adik…when you left, i have not achieve anything yet to prove it to you….ayah tak sempat nak tengok adik grad…aadik tak sempat nak belikan ayah ape ape dari duit gaji adik….ayah tak dapat nak tengok adik kahwin…bagi ayah cucu lagi….ayah tak dapat nak tengok rumah baru yang adik akan beli nanti…..how can you be proud of me……..
there’s nothing i wouldn’t do
to have just one more chance
to look into your eyes
and see you looking back adik selalu zoom…tiap kali tengok gambar ayah….zoom ke mata ayah…at least it looks like you are looking back………your eyes hold many thoughts, hopes, dreams, problems………….adik minta maaf tak dapat nak tolong ayah solvekan problem problem tuh………
oohh i’m sorry for blaming you mana ada yah…adik tak pernak blame ayah atas ape ape hal sekalipun……..
for everything that i just couldn’t do there are many things that i couldn’t do ayah…and i am so sorry……i don’t have enough money to transported you back to kuala pilah by helicopter…intead, you have to endure a very rough journey in an ambulans….i saw how painful you are…menahan sakit…setiap lima minit tanya dah sampai ke belum….dah sampai ke belum….even until today and i believe even for the rest of my life…every time i see an ambulan or the heli…i wil think of you…the suffering…the pain…..the are other things as well….the last meal…the very last meal yang ayah minta…masak kicap….i run like mad pegi dapur, ambik masak kicap…tapi tak boleh kasi sebab ada minyak…lari balik semula ke dapur…ambik kicap betul…pastu kasi kat ayah…tipu ayah cakap tu masak kicap…padahal tu adalah kicap betul….adik minta maaf yah…tipu ayah…banyak benda adik tipu masa tu…..adik betul betul minta maaf yah…..i couldn’t make the pain lesser than it already is….walau sikit…walau sebesar zarah sekalipun…..i couldn’t give you all the drink that you want….doktor cakap your body is retaining too much water already….i couldn’t give you harris everytime you asked for him…he is too small to be inside the hospital…..banyak benda yah yang adik tak dapat buat untuk ayah……
and i hurt myself like right now…at this very moment…..
if i had just one more day
i would tell you just how much i’ve missed you definitely i will ayah……..
since you’ve been away since you have been away….kaset nonstop keroncong dalam kereta tu dah takde sape pasang….tapi ada lagi…kitaorang tak alihkan….since you’ve been away…i avoided enya, ya, enya the singer…cos you like her, kan…..since you’ve been away….i lost a companion to tallk to….i always told you about the going-ons with my friends kan…..sape dah clash dengan sape, sape buat ape sekarang…..sape beli handphone baru….macam macam lah….ayah memang suka layan cerita cerita adik kan….about lecturers, the schools….anything good on newspapers…shared with you the interesting programms coming up on national geo, discovery….
oohh it’s dangerous
it’s so out of line
to try to turn back time oleh itu, adik terima pemergian ayah menemuiNya dengan redha….Al-Fatihah….

her true companion

In the kitchen, the Mickey Mouse pointed his tail at number seven. Next door, Chandra’s rooster crowed. She adjusted the volume of the hand-me-down blue-colored Sony radio, so that she could hear Natalie Cole’s sultry voice over the speaker clearly. She has to tilt her tiny feet a bit, as being a 4ft 9inch; she wouldn’t be able to reach that radio if she didn’t do that. “Unforgettable…in every way. And forever more, that’s how you stay. That’s why darling, it’s incredible, that someone so unforgettable…”

“Ahh…that sounds better.” She monologues. Thus drawing a thin smile on her equally thin, slightly chapped lips.

“You are truly unforgettable.” She thought to herself. Later, she continued doing what she is doing at that time, preparing a popular local delicacy for breakfast, “karipap”. She has finished shaping a tray of those delicacies. Now, she wanted to fry them.

She vividly remembered the look on his face when he asked her to prepare “karipap” for him. You could see the child-ness in him appeared. He told her that hers were more delicious. He disliked buying them from the stalls. The fillings are always not enough he complained. Of course she could not forget the incident where he finished five “karipap” in no time. His fondness towards “karipap” was undeniable.

Traveling long distance, she knew that he liked to eat “karipap” in the car. Handy he said. She also could not forget the trip that they took together to Johore. Well, they are not alone actually, her second son and youngest daughter tagged along with them. Knowing his personality, it was very difficult to put him into traveling mood as he was not very fond of driving long distance and staying at other people’s house. But that time, he was different. He took her everywhere – she just has to name the place. The nature of their business prevented them before this to travel. Therefore, with this opportunity, she grabbed the chance. They went to Kukup, Batu Pahat, Muar, Mersing, Pontian and many other places. They revisited the place where they used to live right after they were married in 1974; they also paid a quick visit to a few relatives here and there around Johore. He joked that it’s the “karipap” that kept him moving during the trip. To her the vacation was an unforgettable one.

Seven forty-five in the morning. She has finished frying the “karipap”. She sat at the dining table, on the chair where he used to sit. She looked to her right, where the shelf used to be. She must admit that tidiness is not one of his best traits. It was very unfortunate that his character lacked that quality. However, she did not complain, as it was his messiness that she missed so much now. She remembered one morning, a long time ago; she found him working, on the dining table, with his files, amidst other raw papers, scattered here and there.

“Abang, how can you work in a messy area like this?” she asked agitatedly.

“I’m more comfortable working like this. Messy.” He answered calmly.

She also could not erase the memory of him driving to

Penang

and back in the very same day.

“Do you know that it is very dangerous to drive when you are tired? Why don’t you spend a night in

Penang

?” she asked worriedly.

“Ma, you know that I don’t like to spend my night other than on my own bed here in our home, right?” he answered without any trace of tiredness.

At the thought of this, she managed to form a smile on her lips. But the shelf was long gone now. She has replaced it with a low table, to place Harris’s toys.

Harris. She cherished every memory of watching him and his beloved grandson playing and baby-talking together. How he adored Harris. It was so unbelievable that, with a personality as strong as him, could melt at the pleading voice of a child as tender as Harris.

“Well…” she thought to herself.

“I could just go on and on thinking about him. Reminiscing about his unforgettable manner and forget about my laundry and watering the plant…” she mumbled frivolously. Her quick hands find their way around the table top. She accidentally knocked down a bowl of freshly picked chilies.

“Ya Allah…” as she slowly picked them up, one by one, her thought flew to her husband, yet again. She just could not comprehend how he could managed to gulp down those extremely hot “sambal”. His liking towards chillies sometimes drove her mad for she has to prepare every dish for him, hot. Still in deep thought of him, she continued doing her house chores.

In the living room, the ancient clock stroked its handle to indicate that it was nine o’clock in the morning. She took her compulsory ablution at the water tap just before the staircase leading down to the car porch. Covering her head with a piece of smooth pink cashmere shawl, she said her prayers and clutched the “surah yassin” in her frail hands.

“Ma, are you ready? Shall we go now? I asked her.

“Yes. Yes. I’m ready. Let’s go. It would be too hot to be under the sun soon. Where’s your “surah yassin”?” bowing her head, she answered. Somehow I could sense that she is trying her best not to look at me.

“It’s here. In my bag.” Just then I saw a tear dropped from her fair cheeks

the shelve…his shelve

two days after the unthinkable happened, she instructed me to clean the shelves. her facial expression, her body langauge, was far from what i had imagine it would be. she did it in calm and casual manner. that’s how strong my mother is. and it broke my heart into many tiny pieces.beyond repair.

the shelve contained a lot of stuff that once belonged to my ayah. the shelve, strategically place beside the dining table by his wife ( so that he can gain easy access to it. ) this is where he place his medicine, files, pens, his cappucino flavoured tobacco ( to prevent his beloved harris from grabbing it and smelling it at the same made faces saying "eeii…kokok atuk…eeii…cuk…" ), the silver container to roll the paper, his nail clippers, his accu check ( to test level sugar in blood for diabetic ) his files, loose papers, his assorted lighters, tupperware after tupperware of biscuits to spoil his beloved harris to the fullest and a lot of other things which i forced myself to stop recall for fear of wetting my cheeks with drops and drops of tears. with me, tears come very cheap.

and on that faithful morning, i was picked by my mother to clean the shelve.

i ask her " ma, tak awal sangat ke nak kemas tempat nih?"

"habis tu, kau nak tunggu bila? dah takde orang nak makan ubat tu lagi, buang jelah. simpan pun nak buat ape?"

"simpan buat kenangan……" but of course, the last sentence did not come out loud.

if you ask my friends, they would say that i’m the type of person who would do things quickly. if you ask my boyfriend, he would say that "ya, dia ni gila mengemas." but for this task, i took the entire morning just to sort out the mess in the shelve.

i touched everything. i read the labels. i shaked bottles after bottles of pills that he bought for every illness that he had. yes, ayah was the kind of person who is rajin to look for cure or prevention. all empty. yes, when it comes to eating pills, he was very discipline. that was ayah.

i opened every files. i ran through every rough papers. i looked at his handwriting. it was and still very painful. i wish i could leave the shelve the way it was. just for the sake of it.

without my mother’s knowledge. i kept most of the stuff on the shelve. but i did put some into the garbage bag, for fear that she will notice the emptiness of the bag. the funny thing is that, i did not take it out anymore once i placed it in the box, away from my mother’s sharp eyes. it comforts me to know that i still have ayah’s stuff with me. knwoing that, at crucial times, i can take it out and………

it’s true what madam rosalind said today in asian lit class: "when you lose your parents, teh pain, it will hits you later." that night, when i accompany my ayah for the very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very last time, i felt numb. i just read surah yassin over and over again and again and again and again……….i slept with my head rested beside his arm. at this moment, ithe feeling of losing him still had not sink in yet. well, he was still there….funny eh…..i tried not to fall asleep. and each time i woke up from dozing off, i got angry with myself. when subuh approached, my sister asked me to go and have a bath…oh my, that was the quickest shower in my life…lagi cepat dari mandi kerbau…

the next day, when it was the time to bathe him….alhamdullillah, the whole family was there….i was instructed to clean his hand…the feeling was…..

"aku macam tak percaya dik…ayah dah takde…."

this was our frequently mouthed phrases for two weeks and occasionally now. i always, i think automatically set my mind that he is not gone, he just went hunting ( which he loved so much ) or fishing ( he loved this too ) and just forgot to come back…extended vacation sort of….pathetic huh…

i miss him so much….

Al-Fatihah

asyik terkena

"dik, kesiannye ko.kenape ko asyik terkena je dengan benda macam ni?kesiannye ko…"

it’s normal.perfectly normal.after every presentation, lecturer and the whole class, they will post question and discuss about the theme, main idea or whatever…

that day, they are discussing about Ovidia Yu’s short story, "a dream of china" . for those who knew me. they would notice that something is wrong somewhere. i was not myself. i was extra quiet. i was not participating.

truth is, i just could not bring my heart to join the discussion, no matter how interesting it might have been. they are discussing about something that have just recently happened to me. ( as a matter of fact, i’m afraid that i would still refer to this incident as "recently happened" even 10 years after this ) some of the questions were: should we or should we not make decision on behalf of our parents? i myself have been in that situation, and believe me, it was not easy and it was not going to be easy. and for someone to provide the answer out of thin air…aiya…i felt like holding that person’s shoulder, look into his or her eyes and tell them, no, it was not like that at all.

i’m not at all angry at bin bin for saying that most elders would love to die at their own home, or country of origin. it’s true. and that is excatly what my ayah had wished for.

reason why my sister said "asyik terkena" is because, this is not the first time that the discussion in the classroom had been around the topic of death.

i experienced once in creative writing class. the lecturer told us to wrie a poem of a dying person…haiyo, how could i when my ayah have just passed away not even a week before! and no, i’m not blaming the lecturer.i’m not blaming anyone or anything at all. may be me, myself a little.

mati pucuk

circa 1996

in the car, with my parents, en route to some where. definitely not to australia.

my dad, driving. my mum, may be staring at the dashboard - view limited, orgnyanyer tak tinggi. me, membelek bungkusan akar2 kayu. 

im bored and i love to read, so i read the information on the packet.

kegunaan: kesihatan dalaman badan, sengal sengal badan, cegah deman, batuk batuk ringan, menguatkan sendi sendi badan, menyembuhkan sakit tekak dan mati pucuk.

mati pucuk? ape tu?

"ma, mati pucuk tu ape?"

i can see my mum turned to my dad, perhaps seeking for help (?)

sambil gelak, "bang, baik awak jawab bang..."...gelak lagi.

"awak lah jawab..."...ayah aku gelak juga.

"mati pucuk tu ape yah?"... diaorg gelak. makin kuat.

"ko ni dik, mati pucuk tu bila k**** org lelaki tak leh naik lah." gelak lagi besar. mak aku pon.

aku tenung bungkusan akar kayu tu, lima saat pastu, campak kat tempat kaki sudah...