the concept of wish here went through some adjustment: from the conventional, westernised "happy 54th birthday ayah!!!!" or "happy father's day yah!!!!" to a simple but meaningful recite of the Al-Fatiha to our (counting in my other siblings and beloved mama) late father, Allahyarham Zainal Abidin Bin Omar.
four years ago, july was just a month, like any other month. excitement peaks at the beginning of the month for my second big brother's birthday, which is on 3rd july. after that, na-da.
that was four years ago.
four years ago today, we did not celebrate my brother's birthday like we used to for at this moment, our beloved father was admitted to the general hospital in our hometown. being the true general hospital that they are, procedure took a long, snail-y pace. i still remember my father twisted and curled on the tiny hospital bed, with forever-engraved frown on his forehead-an indication to how terrible his agony was at that time.
that was between 1st to 2nd of july.
after much intervention, we managed to get him out of the general hospital in kuala pilah to be transferred to ppum.
made a pit-stop of one night (i think) at his sister's in seremban. from there to kl on the 3rd, he demanded to be behind the wheel. i argued, he insisted, i let him be. i was with him in his green wira nbb 6115, mum in the other with his sister. little did i know, that would be his very last time driving, the very last time to be with his beloved 1.8L wira. come to think about it, i am glad for not pushing any further the idea of not letting him drive that day.
between 3rd and 6th, he was admitted, went through various tests and what not...i would say around this time that cancer surfaced.
7th was the day he knew abang didi finally made it, finally found what he wanted to do. we showed him a newspaper cutout with abang didi'd name printed on it. little did i know, that would be his very last time reading a newspaper. newspaper - a form of reading material that he was very fond of...for, 7th was also the day they decided to operate on him, to take the tumor out, and failed - after they discovered the tumor has spread uncontrollably, with an estimate weigh of 8kg. an operation scheduled to last for 2-3 hours, ended in just 5 minutes.
between 7th and 18th, each day was filled with different kinds of emotion, from self-blaming to denial to angry to stunned to nothing. he drifted in and out of consciousness due to the morphine prescribed. the doctors said, all medicine failed, but hopes could keep him alive. for that, we lied to him. for that, he kept hoping, kept hoping that the 5-minute so-called surgery they promised him, would any time, work its magic onto his already-destroyed intestine. a week to 18th, i think, he knew, for i overheard he said to his wife, "ma, tak elok elok ni...kawan rasa...tulah ma..." soon after that, he began ranting about "nak balik, nak balik...nak balik rumah..." so, on the 18th, in so much pain, he went through the one hour and a half journey back home.
every 5 minute or so, he would asked, "kat mana ni dik?" "dah nak sampai dah yah..." "kat mana ni dik?" "dah kat bukit putus dah yah." "bukit putus? oohh nak sampai dah..." "dik, nak kencing..." "takpe yah...kencing jer..." "berhenti, nak gi toilet, kencing dalam toilet..." "ok yah, dah berhenti, ayah kencing lah.." "dah ada dalam toilet?" "dah yah..."
truth was, i lied to him. truth was, we were on a running ambulance, on his final journey, through the winding bukit putus - a stretch of road, he so loved to speed.
we purchased a bubbled mattress for him, despite the objection from the person selling it to us. (hey, i do not care if my father could only use it once, twice or not at all. whatever that i could do to make his final days comfortable, we, the whole family, would do it.) we made a room for him in the living hall. when we found that, it was difficult to turned him, or propped him up to cleaned his back, we rented a hospital, one with adjustable back and front. as we said before this, a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g that could make him comfortable.
between 18th and 21st, Alhamdullillah, my father received countless visitors - relatives, friends, neighbors, acquaintances. he was like "ni sapo ni...?" "den la nal...atan ni" "la atan, tak perasan den, duk tan duk..." on the morning of friday 21st, he asked us to washed him, he wanted to have his teeth brushed!!! he ate and drink more than usual, we could actually chat with him - Ya Allah - he was getting better we thought. we told him that abang didi was coming home - the rest was there by his side.
that - he got better briefly - was god's last gift to him. to let him talk and see his loved ones for the last time. abang didi arrived at 515 in the evening. he went inside and met ayah. it took ayah less than 15 minute to finally let go - for abang didi was the last person - to make the family picture perfect, to his eyes, for the last time.
i have nothing to give you ayah, for your birthdays nor for father's days. i could give you - immortalised you in my writings and a meaningful Surah Al-Fatiha.
adik sayang ayah. adik sayang ayah sangat sangat. adik tak mempersoalkan dah kenapa ayah pergi cepat sangat. adik redha. semua yang berlaku ada sebab, ada hikmahnya. jumpa di sana yah.
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