HADIAH HEBAK UNTUK ANDA!!!

BAUCER ZAIFIE ZAINAL CREATION UNTUK ANDA!

Print & bawa & tebus  Baucer ZZC 

di PAMERAN PENGANTIN di PICC 

pada 8-10 Julai 2011... 

Jumpa anda di sana... 

booth kami no 75 & 76. 

Jangan lepaskan peluang ini!

teraba tetek vs tertolak bahu

there's a very fine line that separates jenayah seksual or sexual assault and jenayah keganasan or assault (there might be some other term...dah lupa yang spesifik...atau mungkin skang ni dah ada akta lain or something like that).

kalau orang tu serang kau (perempuan) and dia (penyerang) terraba/ tertolak/ tersentuh perut/ tertumbuk bahagian bahu/ tepi bahu/ atau bahagian dada atas sikit tu...itu jenayah keganasan or just an assault. 

kalau orang tu, masa dia serang kau. dia terraba/ tertolak/ tersentuh/ tertumbuk specifically dada kau...bluntly put...tetek kau...then...that is sexual assault. 

so, let's say...*touch wood* kau kena serang and kau gi buat report polis...kau kena ingat balik...penyerang kau tu tadi ada raba tetek kau ke tak...atau dia hanya tertolak bahu kau...

memang kau kena perah otak gila babi ingatkan balik...

sebab charges dia akan jadi lain.

kopok ubi

dulu…masa kat felcra, kepis...mak aku ada meniaga keropok ubi berlada…

diaorg kata sooodap…den tak meghaso la…den bosa tungau yor laie maso tu…

mak aku goreng kerepek ubi tu kat dalam kawah yang besar…the area where mak aku buat preparation semua tu dekat ngan tingkap rumah…kira jenguk sikit kepala…dah bleh nampak la mak aku goreng, goreng sambal ubi tu semua…peket dalam pastik kecik kecik…

abang aku yang tak berapa nak jaga badan tu…suka minta ubi goreng kat tingkap…

hulur tangan…

“ma…nak kopok ubi satu.”

“nah…”

tak lama lepas tu…

hulur lagi tangan…

“ma…nak lagi kopok…”

“nah nah. Sedap ke…”

tak lama lepas tu…

terjulur lagi tangan dia…

“nak kopok lagi ma.”

“eh…suka betul ngan ubi ni…”

tak lama lepas tu…mak aku naik atas rumah…pijak je lantai rumah…krup krap…habis penuh lantai tu dengan kopok ubi…

kira satay

aku and ada sorang kawan aku ni gi makan satay kat Melaka…area mana aku tak ingat lah…satay tu dia gerai jer…air kena ode kat restoran depan gerai tu…takde hal la…

kitaorang pon ode ape yg patut…air dua, satay ayam 20. 

we chatted and talked while waiting for our order to arrive…

air pon sampai…"thank you dik…" 

minum minum…

satay pon sampai tak lama lepas tu…"thank you dik…" 

tangan baru nak capai satay ayam yang lazat tu…mulut baru nak nganga...ngaaaaaa…

“errr…kak…kena kira dulu…”

“aaa…” aku tengok satay tu… “kena kira dulu?”

budak tu angguk angguk…

tak biasa aku dengan cara nih…nak makan satay kena kira lak dulu…o-kay…kat Melaka ni style dia kot…

so…aku pon kiralah…kira batang satay tu…sambil jari kuis kuis batang satay tu… “satu…dua…tiga…”

“eh kak…bukan kira satay kak..kira. kira…arrr…apa arrr…ha..bayar bayar…kena bayar dulu…”

-__-

tiba-tiba…satay yang yew hidang ni jadi masam…

*Abang 92 filem fav aku! Lol.

siti masak.

dulu...don't be amaze why i cannot cook...

sekarang...please be amaze of what i can cook...

ma...hadiah birthday tahun ni...nilah dia...YOU DON'T HAVE TO COOK ANYMORE!!!

jomput makan...

^_^

...inilah

lempeng black

sodap nak mampuih

seorang ayah

Tiba tiba masa nak cari idea nak tulis ape lagi untuk blog aku nih…rasa rindu yang amat sangat pulak kat ayah…

Ayah seorang yang amat simple orangnya…aku tak bolehlah nak cakap ayah terlalu cepat sangat pergi menghadap Illahi…55 tahun Allah SWT meminjamkan ayah kat keluarga dia…kat keluarga kami….22 tahun aku dapat bersama dia….…takkan aku tak bersyukur kan…aku bersyukur sangat sangat…

sebagai seorang manusia yang hina…aku masih ada rasa sikit terkilan…terkilan sebab tidak dapat membalas budi ayah…aku tau…budi seorang ayah…kau nak bayar balik macam mana kan…takkan terbayar balik…tak terhitung banyaknya….cuma…aku terkilan…aku tak dapat nak treat dia benda best best…

memanglah aku tak mampu nak beli sebijik lamborghini untuk ayah…cuma…dah bekerja ni…kalau aku dapat belikan sehelai jeans biru Lee untuk ayah sempena birthday dia ke…jam tangan yang best best sempena father’s day ke…bila keluar minum kat mana mana mamak ke…aku yang bayarkan ke…you know…small small things like that…nak belikan baju untuk ayah pon senang…ape je yang ayah pakai…balik balik pagoda pagoda pagoda…saje saje belikan dia pagoda buat stok ke…

ayah ada simpan perfume dalam kereta dia…bukan perfume sangatlah…cologne la aku rasa…cologne Brut. ayah sangat tak vain…cologne tu pon dia pakai bila dia teringat…dia tuang kat tangan dia…dia tepuk tepuk je kat tengkuk dia…dah…setel…sangatlah jarang pakai cologne tu…tanda harga kat cologne tu pon ada lagi…kedai yang dia beli pon sampai dh bankrap tutup kedai, cologne tu tak sampai setengah ayah pakai.

Dah bergaji ni…aku nak dia merasa sembur perfume dunhill ke…

Ayah pon suka pakai cermin mata hitam…aku teringin nak belanja ayah rayban ke…his favourite brand…

“dik…tolong belikan ni.”

“ok”

“…nah duit…”

“takpe takpe yah…pakai duit aye…aye belanja…ayah simpan duit ayah…”

ketidakpunctualan

ayah memang bukan seorang yang punctual…

dulu…ayah aku jadi driver untuk pegawai kat felcra kepis.

Kesian pegawai tu…manjang lambat jer gi meeting.

Pastu…ayah aku…kerek lak tu…kot pegawai tu lambat keluar ofis…fuh, marah…takde dia nak tunggu ok…dia terus tinggalkan pegawai tu, gi minum teh ngan kengkawan dia…sungguh amaze macam mana ayah bleh maintain tak kena pecat.

masa aku tadika…tadika aku habis pukul 11am lebih camtulah…aku memang selalu…selalu jadi yang last sekali balik…cikgu tadika tu memang dengan muka toya dia…kenalah tunggu sampai ayah aku datang amek…serious…selalu…

sekolah rendah pon…aku bukanlah antara yang first kena jemput…

sekolah menengah…sama jer…cuma kadang kadang…bila aku minta nak balik sendiri naik prebet sapu, ayah kasi…sebab anak dia dah berakal sikit…

masa nak gi tuisyen pon camtu gak…aku gak yang last balik…kecuali bila tuisyen tu malam la…cepat sikit la ayah datang…

hence…

aku rasa…ketidakpunctualan aku ni…aku inherit dari ayah la…

sampai hati ayah lambat jemput budak nih... T_T

enya

“…kuatkan sikit radio tu dik…”

aku kuatkan…lagu enya…

“ayah suka lagu ni…”

“…ayah suka? lagu ni?…ni lagu cite lord of the ring tu la yah…”

“sape penyanyi dia?”

“enya…”

“oohhh…ayah suka…”

misai ayah

aku tak tau pulak…misai itu penting.

Bila doktor cakap keadaan ayah dah tak boleh nak dibuat ape ape lagi…kitaorang pon bawalah ayah balik.

Masa kat rumah, keadaan ayah memang tak beransur pulih… kitaorang tolong lapkan badan and muka ayah…masa aku lap muka ayah…aku tengok muka ayah macam rimas jer…yelah…aku faham…confine to bed…panas mungkin…badan lekit lekit…

“di, kesian aku tengok ayah…macam rimas jer…kita cukur jerlah misai ayah tak boleh ke…lapanglah sikit muka ayah…”

“hish kau ni dik…mana boleh cukur misai ayah tu…dia simpan dah lama…tu lah kejantanan dia…dah cukur misai tu…dah tak jantan la dah…kang ayah raba raba misai dia dah takde…lagi dia sedih…”

cuba bayangkan misai tu takde...yikes!

lambogini

Aku pernah tanya soalan ni dulu kat ayah aku…

“yah…kereta apa yang ayah paling paling PALING nak sekali dalam dunia ni yah?”

“lamborghini kaler kuning.”

datuk tan sri tun wth

Aku pernah tanya soalan ni dulu kat ayah aku…

“yah…datuk tu untuk lelaki kan? Perempuan kita panggil nenek kan?”

“haa laaa…kenapa?”

“kalau datuk tu untuk lelaki…kenapa orang panggil mak ngah datuk n*****h? kenapa diaorang tak panggil nenek n*****h?”

-__-

all these datukships memang mengkonpiuskan minda seorang kanak-kanak yang tak bersalah…

cium lantai simen

Daripada empat beradik, aku yang bongsu.

So…aku rasa…masa kecik kecik…aku ni manja lah kot…

Oklah...oklah…takde kot kot…memang manja.

Aku masa dulu dulu pantang weh kena usik dengan abang abang aku…especially abang aku yang lagi satu tu…bukan..bukan yang jaga badan…satu lagi..yang tak jaga badan tu…haha…

Pantang weh kena usik…aku akan meraung menangis…menonong pegi mengadu kat mama…

“UWAAAAAAAAA…maaAAAAAAA….meme buat adiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!”

abang abang aku memang cukup berbulu dengan aku dulu…

selain dari seorang kaki mengadu…aku ni pon kaki mereport kegiatan kegiatan idak berfaedah abang abang aku nih…“haaa…kau buat ape tuuu??? Aku bagitau mama!”

sampai kat telinga mak aku…ape lagi…kena hukum la…ape? Rotan? Tak main la rotan beb…kito ohgang noghori…pakai cili api arr…hahahahaha…

memang mak aku lumur cili api kat mulut abang abang aku…menggelupur bai…hahahahaha…

mak aku, tangan kiri pegang dagu abang aku, tangan kanan pegang cili api…”kau bukak mulut kau tu…BUKAK!” mak aku dengan ganasnya terus tenyeh tenyeh cili api tu kat mulut abang abang aku…

aku tukang tengok jerlah…kaki kuis kuis sikit lantai…tangan dua dua kemas terlipat kat belakang…senyum si-kit jer…heh…

tebakar weh mulut…terus macam pakai gincu aku tengok mulut abang abang aku pas tu…merah jer…

“aku tangkap kau minum air paip…SIAP!!!”

sebab spy mak diaorang, i.e. aku ada di merata tempat…memang diaorang tak berani arr nak minum air paip nak kurang kan pedas cili tu…gila tak tahan dengan pedas tu agaknya…abang abang aku cari alternatif lain…

aku tengok jer diaorang cium lantai simen rumah kitaorang…

sebab mak aku kata jangan minum air paip kan…so aku tak report ar diaorang cium lantai simen tu…

pe'el empat beradik part 4/4

Korang sok merasalah benda benda ni…mak aku dah merasa dah…

Aku tak pernah bercita cita nak jadi cikgu. Aku nak jadi doctor. Betul. Aku nak jadi doctor. 

betul...

Kecenderungan aku ke arah bidang perubatam dah terserlah sejak aku tadika lagi. Masa mak aku meniaga jaga kedai…aku aaada jerlah menempel kat kedai tu jugak…takde mane nak hantar ke taska ke ape ke…semua mak aku kendong bawa ofis…kiranya…formative years aku banyak kat stesen minyak tu lah…kat bawah meja mak aku tulah playground aku…situlah aku masak…situlah camping….bercakap sorang sorang dengan teddy bear teddy bear aku…

ada satu hari tu…aku main doktor doktor dengan patung patung aku…

“oohhh…saya sakitlah doktor…”

doktor bertelinga arnab berkata: “oh sakit…kamu kena makan ubat ini…misi bagi dia makan ubat…”

misi bermisai kucing pon kata: “baiklah…telan lah pil ini…”

aku pon buat buat amek “ubat” tu dari tangan misi bermisai kucing…aku pon telan lah “ubat” tu…

lima saat…30 saat…seminit…aku dah start menggelupur…menggagau lah mak aku…

“dik…ko kenapa ni dikkk???”

aku dah tak terkata ape dah…tunjuk tunjuk anak tekak…

aku rasa mak aku dah dapat agak dah ape aku buat…

“yang kau pegi telan syiling dua pusen tu buat ape diikkk…”

mak aku bawa aku keluar…jolok jolok anak tekak aku kat tepi longkang kat tepi ofis stesen tu…perghk…perit weh…

moral of the story: janganlah kedekut…belilah set mainan yang betul untuk anak anak.

pe'el empat beradik part 3/4

Korang sok merasalah benda benda ni…mak aku dah merasa dah…

 +

Gambar di atas…cuba anda combinekan…

Sukar? tak boleh? Macam mana?

Ternyata anda tak ada akal yang kreatif seperti budak di atas…

Abang aku yang lagi sorang ni…extra nakal weh…borderline ADD gitu…

Masa dia umur umur tadika jugak lah…tah ape dia buat kat belakang rumah tu…

Sayup sayup jer bunyi orang nangis minta tolong… “maaa maaa maaa….maaa maaa maaa….”

Bila mak aku jumpa abang aku tu…dia dah terhoyong hayang dah…dengan tin tu dah fully serkup kepala dia…abang aku…umpama…robokop tak jadi…manusia berkepala tin…hahahahahaha…

Puas la mak aku sapu minyak…sabun dan segala bagai nak tarik keluar tin tu…tak berjaya…sebab telinga abang aku tu dah terstuck…kan tin milo tu dia tak straight…macam ada sisi kat bahagian dalam tin tu…argh…korang tengoklah tin susu anak masing masing…abang aku dah kepanasan ketakutan ape semua bagai…melulong lulong…hahahahaha…kejadian berlaku kat rumah masa tu…mak aku terpaksalah berjalan kaki…jauh tak jauh la…sambil memimpin anak separa robokop dia tu ke stesen minyak kitaorg…minta tolong pomen kat situ…hahahahahaha…akhirnya berjaya gak lah cabut tin tu…pomen tu kena pial mulut tin tu dengan spana…ha…berasap kepala abang aku kat dalam tin tu…padan muka.

Moral of the story: beli milo peket.

pe'el empat beradik part 2/4

Korang sok merasalah benda benda ni…mak aku dah merasa dah…

abang aku yang suka jaga badan tu…dia sebenarnya anak pungut…pungut dari longkang lak tu…

masa dia umur tadika tadika la…dia ikut arwah pak lang aku gi pekan…abang aku duduk kat belakang…time time arwah pak lang aku nak cornering lah dia gi bukak pintu kereta…apa lagi…tergolek golek lah abang aku…terus masuk dalam longkang yang kat deret klinik murthi kat pekan kuala pilah tu…terpaksalah arwah pak lang aku berhenti keta and pungut dia dari dalam longkang…

moral of the story: gunakanlah system child-lock pada kereta masing masing.

pe'el empat beradik part 1/4

Korang sok merasalah benda benda ni…mak aku dah merasa dah…

Akak aku dari kecik memang suka melawa weh…Ayah aku pernah tengking dia masa dia kecik kecik nak gi tadika…sebab ape? Sebab akak aku tak leh nak decide nak pakai baju ape pergi tadika. PERGI TADIKA HOKEY…tadika…kekejap tukar baju…eh, tak betul…tukar lagi…tukar lagi dan lagi dan lagi…ayah aku dah tunggu kat luar…panggil…kejap kejap…panggil lagi…kejaaaaappp...tiga kali kejap…ayah aku naik hangin la…ha amek kau…

Pastu pernah gak sekali…akak aku ni kepingin bona nak pakai cincin agak eh…ha…dia amek nut screw tu buat cincin nokkk….hahahahahaha…arwah pak lang aku dulu kerja dengan LLN (Lembaga Letrik Negara laie weh time tuh…)…melaramlah dia depan cermin…oklah…dah puas melaram…keluarkanlah “cincin” nut tu…

“ma…” tunjuk jari yang dah membengkak. “tak leh bukak…”

“Haaaaaaahhh???…ape kau dah buat ni…..berangan sangat nak pakai cincin…tak payah bukak…pakailah sampai bila la…”

memang tak leh bukak…sebab akak aku dah simpan lama sangat cincin dia tu…jari dia dah membengkak…kat hospital pon…doctor kena bius jari tu dan…*untuk part ni…sila tahan perut* literally screw it out of her finger….pusing pusing pusing sampai nut tu terkeluar dari jari akak aku…melulong…

nasib baiklah…dah besar…dah kawin…dah ada business yang semakin berkembang…dapat akak aku beli cincin betul…alhamdullillah…

moral of the story: simpan lah bold an nut di tempat yang tidak boleh dicapai budak budak.

occupational hazard

Semua kerja ada occupational hazard masing masing.

Tukang buat kek melecur tangan.

Tukang buat baju tercucuk jarum.

Tukang buat hantaran tercucuk duri daun bunga ros.

Tukang buat pelamin terstapler-gun tangan sendiri.

Tukang buat kecoh kena pukul.

Tukang isi minyak pon ada occupational hazardnya yang sendiri.

Ada sebab weh kenapa…bila dah masuk mana mana stesen minyak…buang lah rokok kau tuh…

Brader ni naik motor…dia datang kat pam aku. Kebetulan adik perempuan dia pon kerja sekali kat situ…aku pon malas lah nak layan brader tu…aku suruh adik dia jer yang isi.

Brader ni kiranya macam gengster la…rokok ada jerk at mulut dia…nak terjatuh tak terjatuh…enjin pon tak nka matikan…aku pon malas nak tegur…lantaklah…dia bawa motor yang jenis tangki kat depan tu…yang tak yah nak turun motor bila nak isi minyak tu…adik dia pon isilah minyak…seriously…tak sampai beberapa minit…API MENJULANG NAIK…adik dia menjerit…dia tekangkang kangkang elak api…haaa…baru padan muka…then ayah datang bawa fire extinguisher…daripada oren terus jadi putih kawasan sekeliling…tak pasal pasal rambut adik dia terbakar jugak sikit…then ayah bisik: “nasib baik bukan kau isi motor dia tu tadi dik…” 

Bila ada pam attendant ni dulu…memang driver berlagak tuan besar weh…bila tanya berapa bang…nak tak nak jer jawab…kadang kadang tak pandang pon…bila nak confirmkan balik…”dua puloh ke bang?” “Dua puloh laaah…berapa kali nak cakap…” Pergh bang…kereta kau datsun burok tu jer kot…bukan main ‘ek kau yor…Dahlah berlagak…bodoh pulak tu…tak alert…Bila kita tengah isi minyak…dia menonong jer pandang depan…dia gak agak cam sepuloh ringgit tu dah habis isi…vrrooommm terus nak cabut…ha kau…apa lagi…tercabut lah pam…lintang pukang gak lah sesape yang tengah isi minyak tu nak take cover…kot tak…hose pam tu melayang laying melantun lantun…kena libas,,,insyaAllah mati.

Kes macam ni…kena bagitau bos…

“Ma…pam kena tarik…”

“cik cik…pam kono tarik cik…”

haruslah disambut dengan bebelan mak aku…

“Maaaacam mana korang kerja niiihhhhhhhh…” semua perkataan kena tekan lebih sikit bila sebut.

Ada gak driver yang terus lari…ada gak driver yang berhenti…ada gak yang bayar ganti rugi…ada gak yang tak nak…bila cakap pasal ganti rugi ni…teruslah semua pihak menuding nuding jari.

It happened to me twice…

One time, it really caught me off guard…driver tu memang terus jer start enjin cabut…aku sempat bongkok sikit tutup muka…muka lah…dan jerit…jerit itu penting…muka pon penting…

Kali kedua…aku macam dah dapat agak yang driver ni mesti ingat aku dah habis isi minyak keta dia…sesaat lepas tu dia start enjin…aku hempuk bonet kereta dia nak bagi warning…tapi tak guna gak…aku hempuk, dia start kereta, pam tercabut, aku mmg peluk lutut cover kepala.

Kemek bonet dia aku hempuk. Aku kata tu impact nozel tu bila dia melayang. 

pagoda and pijot II

this was ayah's tough-for-all-terrain pijot!!! 

peugeot (read: per-joe) pijot (read: pijot laa..duh) same thing...

evidently, this trusty pijot took him on a wild ride...both literally, as seen in the picture on your left...and figuratively, evidently in the picture on your right.

it was no laughing matter you know with what has happened to picture on your right...if it was not for the tree..ayah would have crushed the house beneath and killed the elderly couple, as their bedroom was just inches away the car...you can literally open their bedroom window and retrieve anything from the glove compartment of the pijot. i took this picture...so i know...

i experienced my first fun-in-the-wild with ayah quite accidentally because of this pijot as well.

he took me and my other brother (not the jaga badan one) to see some of his friends who were already there at the camping ground...he was not supposed to join them but just to...i don't know la...so...he was not suppose to stay...that's why he brought us along...kalau tak, jangan harap la...

when i saw the camping ground...oh, yes, his friends are camping all right...but not on the ground!!! they were instead "camping" on a fragile looking hut on stilts that perched above the RIVEEERRRRR!!! and to get there...you have to walk along a very thin and flimsy looking bridge...

                           I'm determined to show you the bridge...it was the pole marked with 1 dot. 

2 dots is a tree by the way.

3 dots and 4 dots i guess were the back-up bridge should 1 dot collapsed!!!!!

so...ok...i did not die...i managed to get to the hut safely...not making a lot of movement tho...for fear the hut collapsed and fell into the fierce-looking river...apparently...they built the hut for fishing purposes...something like that...to catch fish...no bubu no fishing pole uollss...cacak pondok atas sungai terus!

when we were about to go back in the evening...ayah found out that his headlight did not work...fius terbakar or something like that....if he insisted to continue his journey without the headlight...he would not have make it even out of the shallow wood. 

when i think about it now...ayah could have sabotaj his own headlight...just so he could stay...hahahahaha...because i still remember, he called mom and said: "kawan tak boleh balik la...lampu depan rosak..." sambil senyum senyum sengih...

so...my fate with the hut is sealed...i have to sleep there apparently...gulp...all boys some more...

oh, did i mention...the hut has NO WALL????????? you golek golek la masa tido...terus tergolek masuk dalam sungai...and to my friends who knew me...im not polite when i sleep. 

i could not sleep well...but because i could not sleep well...i could see how bright the moon was...it literally lit up the whole area...the river, the wood, the trees...the water was literally shining because of the moon...the sound of cricket and other insects...so soothing...the sound of water...if you sleep on your tummy...you could see the water running from in between the bamboo floor...

i woke up tomorrow morning with the urgent need to answer the nature's call in the nature (no pun intended)...i told my father...

"yah...nak gi toilet..."

"hahahaha...mana ada toilet sini..."

i still remember...i widen my eyes whilst at the same time...kemut...so that "it" will go up and never want to go down...but i failed...

"tapi aye tak leh tahan dah ni..."

"ok...jom...jom gi toilet"

his "toilet" was behind some huge huge fallen log.

i never felt so calm answering the nature's call in the nature.

pagoda and pijot I

 ayah...through the years...

we were flipping through these old pictures...and we were surprised by the similarities...pakaian ayah!!!

hahahahahaha...

MESTI pagoda putih round neck nipis nampak puting tetek ngan seluar jean Lee biru pudar pudar ada putih putih sikit...

the oldest should be the first two landscape pictures...

the first one, with the boys proudly posing with their catch-of-the-day, ayah was the third from left (yes, your left)...ya ya...belakang yang tengah posing maut dengan tangan cekak pinggang...cermin mata hitam lengkap...walau dalam hutan...(ape? you kata you vain??? dia lagi vain!!!)

The second landscape picture by the river...ayah was the one standing...

the third landscape picture...ayah was the on standing...

the last two portrait pictures...ha...tekalah yang mana satu ayah...hahahaha...

with his family...without fail...pagoda and jeans...

berapa bang...

dulu…sebelum zaman angkat-masuk-picit ni…kita memang macam raja weh kat stesen minyak…hahahaha…semua pam attendent buat…kau duduk jerlah dalam kereta.

Sebabkan bukan tuan punya kereta yang angkat-masuk-picit…memang bermacam macam…BERMACAM MACAM kes lah terjadi…human error memang banyak giler…and sudah pasti pam attendant akan kena tiaw kaw kaw punya dengan tuan punya kereta DAN juga dengan tuan punya stesen, iaitu mak aku…HAHAHAHAHAHA…tapi, masa tu tak kelakar lah…anak ke pekerja ke…sama je…*

*Kitaorang dulu ada meniaga stesen minyak masa kat kampung. Dulu la…sekarang takde dah…

Contoh:

Tersalah dengar takpe lagi…

Kereta datang…kau tanya…”berapa bang?” Driver tangan tunjuk angka 2. Kau pun, menggunakan logika akal…kereta+angka 2 = dua puluh ringgit lah kan…kau pon angkat-masuk-picit…bila dah setel…

“Eh dik…abang nak dua ringgit jer…yang kau isi sampai dua puloh ringgit buat ape?” yang nak bayar takpe lagi weh…ada gak yang tak nak langsung bayar..sanggup tu suruh kitaorang sedut balik minyak tu…yang tak nak bayar tu…ada jerlah doa doa aku kasi kat dia…

Bila nak penoh…kau tersalah bajet…tertumpah lak…tuan kereta nampak lak…boss lak ada kat luar time tu…perghkk…memang rasa nak berhenti kerja…

Paling sadis bila kau tersalah masuk minyak…perghk…kereta patut minyak hijau kau masukkan diesel…mati weh MATI…kes macam ni kronik…memang lah kau kena sedut balik…memanglah kau kena notify tuan punya stesen..memanglah kau mati kena tiaw pastu…

Kalau bebelan itu boleh membunuh…aku rasa…mak aku dah banyak kali keluar masuk jel.

Kadang kadang tak cukup staff…cubalah agak sape kena sit-in jadi pam attendent???

KAMILAH…kami ahli ahli keluarga tuan punya stesen…

-__-   

I vote myself as the cutest pam attendent e-ver.

And mak aku memang ada reputasi sikit dikalangan pelanggan pelanggannya…hehehehe…uollss nilailah sendiri reputasi macam mana…lol…

Abang ipar aku pernah sekali tu tersalah isi minyak...tah macam mana tah…terisi diesel kot kat dalam motor…cam tu lah…ape lagi…semak la kepala dia…abang ipar aku ingat kepala dia semak…tengok tengok…kepala tuan punya motor tu laaagi semak…bukan semak motor dia dah tersalah isi minyak…tapi semak dengan tuan punya stesen kat dalam office tu ha…hahahahahahaha…dia memang nak setelkan hal tu antara abang ipar aku ngan dia jerlah…tak nak libatkan tuan punya stesen…selalunyakan driver driver ni naik angin and insist nak jumpa nak complaint kat boss…yang ni tebalik lak…

“takpe bro takpe bro…kita tolak motor ni ke tepi…kita setel tepi…wa tak tahan ar kot boss lu tau…”

…obviously dia tak tau “boss lu” tu adalah mak mentua abang ipar aku.

Hahahahaha…

dewi remaja

I grew up with heavy influence from my sister…the 9-year gap managed to make me literally looked up to her about many things…(I was shorter then you see…now not anymore… me, tunduk: “hi long…” she, dongak: “hi dik…”)

She liked to buy Remaja…a very hip and happening magazine of that time. 

I know…Remaja right…tsk tsk tsk tsk…

But, because I’m her sister and I’m supposed to think that whatever that was from her were supposed to be cool…so I thought Remaja was the coolest thing e-ver also…

I liked to read Remaja…so informational (now: is it?)…so made me want to grow up faster and faster…I would gazed non stop at the finalist of Dewi Remaja…hoping one day…I would be in it too…(…then weight caught me and stayed…so sad…)

Another section in Remaja that I like most would be the cerpen section…wow… kalah novel nora elena tu hokey… terbuai buai bila baca… melayang layang lah aku…terbayang bayang jadi heroin dalam cerpen tu…senyum senyum sendiri….hahahahahaha…

I started writing my own fantasy cerpen too…I NEVER SHOWED IT TO ANYONE!!! now…I did not even know where I have out them… berpuluh cerpen ok aku tulis…semua cheesy cheesy belaka…nama pon of course tak hengat…stok stok yang heroin bawa kereta…pastu kereta kena potong ngan motor besar yang laju…heroin marah marah…ngomel ngomel…tiba tiba kereta heroin rosak…tengok tengok yang tolong mamat bawa motor besar tadi…acehwah…

Heroin berkasar ngan lelaki nih…sangat kurang ajar la…then heroin ni sakit…tengok tengok yang merawat dia tu…lelaki yang dia dah terkurang ajar tadi…acehwah…

You know…cheesy story like these…wakakakakaka…

And I must say…I really thought this guy is so great...orang kuat majalah Remaja tuuu…

lang si

At my work place, from office to my class.

I waited for the elevator’s door to open (I wanted to go down) and when it did, it was full of Chinese students.

I just said: “It’s okay…” It was going up anyway…

Just when the doors were about to meet…one of the male student, whilst looking straight at me, said, in Mandarin la of course: “Neeh…this is the lecturer lor that they say is very lang si one…”

-__-

inhale…

exhale…

wait aaa…I might teach you next sem…

map

For our mom’s 6-series birthday...we decided to held a small makan-makan gathering with close family members. 

My sister was in charged of getting the cake, and my jaga badan brother was instructed to get us satay kajang (he gasped actually)…and kak farah was kind hearted enough to belanja us kepci (according to her spelling) and apam cumel dot dot.

I was strongly suspicious of my jaga badan brother’s sense of direction. Hence, to avoid any excuses form him, such as: “I cannot find satay kajang…I get you guys salads instead…”, I drew him a very very VERY detailed and comprehensive map to get the satay kajang…

I know…I thought so too…^_^ my sense of direction is much much much better than him…so as my visual memory…

We enjoyed the satay very much…he had may be like three…?...rugi rugi…

rare ni weh...

...gambar wa tanpa spek tuuu...

yeerrr

I do not often reveal that I know how to read, write, and speak Mandarin. Therefore, telling my students this extra bit of information about me is not a priority too.

I often have to control my facial expression every time my students complained about their assignments, gossiped about me, their group members and so on…

Most of the time, it was only after a few weeks into the lecture that my students would know. Most of the time, it was unintentional.

Student, in Mandarin.

“yeerrr…so troublesome…assignment like this also want us to do…”

Teacher, in English.

“it’s okay if you do not want to do it…I do not mind not marking it too.”

Student – small eye became big.

Teacher – smile smile and dismissed the class.

mei ling

a couple of years ago, I moved out of my rented house in sec 17, shah alam into another state and eventually settled back into selangor in equin park, seri kembangan. for some twist of fate…some of my geng rumah 17 moved in with me at equin park as well…jolly fun fun fun…our landlord was a very kind-but-limited-malay-vocab Chinese lady. I did not reveal to her that I can read, write and speak in mandarin…

so for three odd years as her tenant…we talk german with her…and her vice versa…

Until the situation became too dire.

the sink in the bathroom broke…it fell and turned into pieces. I didn’t have a clue how it happened.

we called our tenant…explained to her using the simplest malay ev-ver…but failed…she went like…

“…ooh….itu AAA…itu sing cuci itu mangKOK ka?”

“bukan, bukan auntie…itu sink dalam bilik mandi punya. Sink kecik”

“apa pasat lu mandi itu sing buleh kasi pecah?”

eh…

“bukan auntie…sink yang pecah itu adalah sink dalam bilik mandi…toilet toilet…”

“ooo toilet…tandas picah laaaa…apa pasat tandas buleh picah? Itu mahat oooo…”

“eh…mahal ke auntie…murah je lah saya rasa…”

“lu macam mana pigi toilet?”

eh…

this goes on until several more minutes…despite the lengthy explanation, the repairman did not come.

We reached the pinnacle.

“ti…ko kena explain kat auntie tu lah ti…ko kena explain ngan dia…ko cakap cina la ti…”

“aku tojeng la cik has…dan dan aku tau cakap cina plak…kesian dia doh…macam kena tipu jer nanti dia rasa…”

“habis tu…aku rasa dia tak faham tu der…”

“adoiiiiiii…kot aku dari awal dah cakap cina ngan dia tak per weh…”

then…

light bulb…

eureka…

I called our beloved auntie…

“auntie ar…saya ada satu kawan ni…dia tau cakap cina punya…dia kasi explain sama auntie pasal masalah ni ok…”

“ha ok ok ok…lagi sinang…”

“sekejap ar auntie…”

I merely put the phone inches away, pretending to be calling out to my “friend”…

by now, the others were holding onto their stomach for dear life…

I passed the phone to my Chinese-speaking “friend”.

In mandarin…I said…

“Wei…auntie...wo shi mei ling…shi…dui de…wo shi siti de peng you…tui aa…ta jiao wo lai bang ta 

jie shi yi dian dong…dui… … …”

translation:

“hello auntie, im mei ling, yes, right on, im siti’s friend...right…she asked me to come and help her to explain…yes…”

problem solved after that…

…not without donning my mandarin-speaking alter ego mei ling.

don't pry pry

I had this wild idea of incorporating facebook into my teaching…and so I did.

I was so excited to introduce this method of assessment via facebook to my students and decided to introduce it in my next lecture.

I went to my class and was horrified to find another lecturer using the room that I was supposed to be lectured in.

He explained to me that his original lecture room’s computer was broken so he had to illegally bring his student into mine.

I had to reason with the lecturer that I could not let him use my classroom for I need to use the computer too and he instructed his entire class to another lecture room.

As his students was leaving the lecture room…the last few Chinese female students saw me opening the facebook homepage.

…and they said, in full Mandarin: 

“yeerrr you see you see…she asks us to leave just so she can open her fb and play fb…so selfish ler…”

others added: “people like this also got…trouble other people only…huh…”

I stood up, straightened my cotton baju kurung, turned to them and said, in full Mandarin also ha…

"Sorry ya, the facebook account that I am opening right now is an account for student to access because I have instructed them to do something for their coursework here inside this facebook account so I do not deliberately chase you all out just so I can access the facebook account for my own personal entertainment. Please do not misunderstand ok.”

No blood on their face.

“…oh…ok ok…” nodding their head incessantly.

Don’t pry pry with me you know…

lempeng black

this happened years ago…but talking about it still brings laughter.

I’m the kicap queen. I like to eat kicap with almost e-ve-ry-thing.

Nasi lemak

Tempe

Nasi with any lauk

Roti canai (yes, roti canai)

So, that morning, my mom was making lempeng for breakfast…

so you’ve guessed it right…I ate it with kicap as well…nyum nyum…

We ate and chatted. 

Then my nephew woke up and sat with us at the table. He was then…no more than 5 I think…

My mom asked him…

“Harris nak makan tak?”

“nak…”

so my mom handed him a plate of lempeng.

“tak nak yang ni nek…nak yang lain…nak yang black…”

O_o

“ape nyer yang balck long?”

“ntah…lempeng nil ah kot nak yang black…”

“lempeng black macam mana…tak tau nenek der…”

“ntah la ma…”

my mom was trying her best to come out with a lempeng black.

She tried overcooked it a bit…hanguskan sikit…still…

Harris said…

“tak nak…ma…nak yang black…”

“ni black la ni…” my sister pointing at the slightly burnt lempeng.

“bukan yang ni…nak yang black…yang black macam mummy tu…” little finger pointing at me as I was shoving my dripped-in-kicap lempeng into my mouth…