ayah nak makan masak kicap...

"dik..."
"ye yah..."
"ada masak ape hari ni..."
"ada ayam masak kicap yah...kak long yang masak..."
"ayah nak makan masak kicap..."
....
"ok. ayah tunggu kejap. aye g amek..."

.........................

"ma!"
"ape dia?"
"ayah nak makan masak kicap. camana?"
"ha? mana boleh...berminyak...alahaiii...."
"takpe...aye tau..."

i ran...as fast as i could, i ran, like mad, i stormed into the kitchen and i grabbed a bottle of habhall's kicap cap kipas udang, poured some onto a plate...i went to the living hall...which we have transformed into a mini ward for ayah...

"bangun sikit yah...aye dah bawa masak kicap ni sikit untuk ayah."
*he tilted his head, tasted the "masak kicap"...
"sedap yah?"
*he nodded
"ayah nak lagi?"
*he shook his head

and i shook my head for lying to him.

ayah tak tahu

*menangis
"dik...ni kau balik dulu. aku leh tunggu sini dengan mama."
*menangis
"aku pon tak nak kau masuk...kang ayah nampak kau nangis. kang dia tanya."
"ayah tak tahu?"
"aku ngan mama dah decide tak nak bagitau ayah. doktor pon nasihat macam tu."
*manangis
"kesian di...ayah tak tahu."
"doktor kata lagi elok dia tak tahu. what keeps him alive is the determination...we need to keep that running for him as long as we could."
"kau boleh drive tak ni?"
"menangis...angguk
"kau nak balik mana?"
"akasia."

.....................................

"ti...ko dh balik...cik jenal camne?"
"hi chas...ayah ok kot..."
*masuk bilik
"ti...ko ok tak ni?"
*bagi chas baca surat
"ti...ni surat nak minta cuti sem...cik jenal kenapa ti? doktor ckp ape?"
"menangis
"chas...ayah aku kena kanser chas....ayah aku dah tak boleh diselamatkan lagi!!!!!!!!!! doktor kata dia ada masa sebulan jer lagi nak hidup...........chas....ayah aku tak leh nak diselamatkan lagi chas....camni ni chas...??? ayah aku chas...."

kawan nak balik ma..

he was very positive, he was very upbeat about the operation on 7th July 2006. he was very very very very very very very very very sure that the operation can cure him, can release him from the pain that he was suffering.

"ma, besok kan operation tu."
"iye bang."
"boleh sihat balik kan ma."
"insyAllah bang...insyAllah."

"tak hilang pon sakit ni ma."
"baru je lepas operation bang...memang mcm tu...ubat bius baru habis...memang lah awak terasa sakit..."
*she turned a round and cried; i took over
"yah...ayah nak ape ape? nak naik kan sikit katil ni tak?
"doktor cakap ape dik? doktor cakap tak sakit ape?"
"doktor tak cakap lagi sakit ape yah."
*aku genggam tangan aku kuat kuat, aku tahan nangis
"sakit jer lagi nih..."
"sabarlah yah..."

within a few days after the operation, he grew in and out of consciousness. this was heavily due to the steroid he was prescribed to. as the cancer could not be removed, the only way was to give him steroids to reduce the pain. the operation left a hole in the middle of his very round and hardened stomach. a specially design plastic bag was used to retain the fluid that was constantly comin out from the hole. the plastic bag was to be changed a few times in a day. he grew impatient after a week. he, i think, knew...he got cancer though no one ever utter that word in front of him. everything that took place around him, further confirmed his thoughts. by then, we had called his friends to come over, i will wait a few steps before the door, explain the situation to his friends - that he did not know actually what happen so do not be stupid by spilling that out to him. we asked his friends to tell encouragin words, to tell funny jokes, to include him in their next hunting trip, fishing trip, other wild trip...to give him hope, albeit a false ones.

"ma, kawan dah tak tahan lagi dah ma...sakit ma..."
"sabar lah bang...sabar ye..."
"kawan nak balik ma..."
"nak balik mana bang? nak balik mana?"
"kawan nak balik la..."

itulah buang tebiat namanya...

"dia tak pernah pakai baju putih, tapi ptg tu dia beriya nak pakai baju putih..."
"dia tak suka makan ikan, tapi semalam dia makana ikan yang sya masak sampai dua ekor..."
"anak sya tak suka main kat kawasan tu, tapi tak tau kenapa dia pergi situ ptg semalam..."

you know...we often heard phrases like this...as described by the loved ones, of the lost of their loved ones...of how their loved ones...would do things that is out of the norm...something unusual...but usually, by the time they realised it...their loed ones have already... ... ...

itulah buang tebiat namanya...

adalah sesuatu yang pelik...to find him sitting in the living room. yes. the living room. with guest, i would give him for about...say 15 minutes max...to sit there and chat...

adalah sesuatu yang pelik...to find him sitting at the tv room. yes, he had his own tv in his room...but then again you know...he rarely sat there...more rarely than rarely...

adalah sesuatu yang pelik...atau something must be very very wrong...for him to enter our bedrooms...if he did, all of us were bound to get something from him then...haha..or he was about to deliver some nasty news...

if he was not in his living room, if he was not in the tv room, nowhere near our bedrooms...where was he in his own house? hahahahahahahaha...

he could be found in his own room, or the kitchen, dats it. as for the other spaces in the house...ayah lalu jer...jarang singgah...haha...

that was the reason...

i found it refreshing when he finally sat in the living room and read the newspaper there...he never read his newspaper elsewhere other than in the kitchen, his room and the toilet.

i found it very relaxing that he was able to dozed off on the couch...he never nap elsewhere other than his room.

i found it comfortable when he went into my room just to say "adik tengah buat ape tu?"

i found it soothing when he sat in the tv room and asked me "lepas berita ni cite ape dik?"

but i will not and do not find it refreshing, relaxing, comfortable or soothing if these are what you term as buang tebiat.

yah...adik takotla

"yah...masa ayah buat endoscopy dulu..."
"hrm...kenapa?"
"ayah gi sorang jer kan...adik pon tak tau..."
"ala...bukan nyer operation ke ape ker...."
"sakit tak?"
"tak.bukannya sedar pon...dia bagi bius kan..."
"takot tak?"
"ala...kan adik tak sedar...mcm mana nak takot....."
"lama tak?"
"tak lah....kejap jer...nnt dh sudah tu...dia ada kasi cd...boleh tgk kt rumah..."
"ha! nmpklah dalam perut ayah rupa dia mcm mana????"
"yelah...nak tgk...ada tu atas meja tu..."
"eeeeee tak nak!!!!!"
"kenapa pulak...kot adik tgk, sama jer lah mcm tgk perot adik sendiri..."
"eee tak nak tak nak..."
"ha ha ha..."
"pastu dr ckp ape?"
"angin...gastrik sikit..."
"is that...a good news?"
"ye la...ayah rasa..."
"kenapa? were u expecting something else?"
"tah lah dik...badan dh tua ni...mcm mcm penyakit boleh dtg..."
"kalau doktor dh ckp mcm tu...yelah tu kot yah..."
"tahlah dik...takkan angin jer..."
"doktor tak kasi ape2?"
"ada...ubat...tgklah...mkn jerlah ubat ni..."
"u will be better yah...dun worry..."
........................................................

"do i really have to do the thing?"
"it's called endoscopy my dear...and yes, you have to do it...i dun like the result from your blood test...there's no other choice...what's more...with your family history....colon cancer can be genetic my dear..."
"...when?"
"as soon as possible..."
"this monday then..."
"good"

........................................................

"yah...adik takotlah..."

unlike you

just like you, i have a pair of very big, square, rough feet. because of these feet, it is very difficult for me to find a good pair of shoes. because of these feet, i do not dare to wear short skirts. because of these feet, i do not want people to watch me while i try my new shoes on. because of these feet, i always lost my slippers to my older brothers. 

just like you, i bite my nails. they are rough, uneven...in plain english, they are ugly. 

just like you, i have curly hair. mine is straight...straight would me mum's hair. never once i attempted to iron em straight; save for a few strands of my bangs...if not...in plain english, i will look ugly...

just like you, i adore newspapers. sunday newspapers, love em more!

just like you, i like national geographic and discovery channel. i dearly miss the moments when we watch these program together...oh-ing at the baby elephant; aw-ing at the magnificent whale; tsk-ing at the powerful avalanche or earthquake or tsunami...

just like you, i had polyps too yah...but mine was stomach polyps...yours was colon polyps yah. 

unlike you, i had my polyps removed. 

unlike you, my polyps did not turn into ulcers which later developed into cancerous cells...had they discovered yours earlier...you'd be reading this.

ayah tipu

"yah...ayah tipu...buat endoscopy ni sakit kesannya!!!!!"
"la...doktor tak kasi bius?"
"kasi...tapi rasa jugak...benda yang dia spray kat tekak tu pon...mcm takde efek pon!"
"bawah, dia ada buat tak?"
"aaaaa....ada....tapi by the time dia buat yg kat bawah...dh too tired to feel anything..."
"did they found anything?"

pastu?

"pastu dr ckp ape?"
"angin...gastrik sikit..."
"is that...a good news?"
"ye la...ayah rasa..."
"kenapa? were u expecting something else?"
"tah lah dik...badan dh tua ni...mcm mcm penyakit boleh dtg..."
"kalau doktor dh ckp mcm tu...yelah tu kot yah..."
"tahlah dik...takkan angin jer..."
"doktor tak kasi ape2?"
"ada...ubat...tgklah...mkn jerlah ubat ni..."
"u will be better yah...dun worry..."

------------------------

but everyone knew. u did not get better. and everyone realized. when your stomach twitched and turned, when you belched and belched and belched...when you got tired easily... ... ... it was not because of stupid angin...not because of the bloody gastric!!! it's not it's not it's not.

my heart ache. had ached; is aching; will ache. for the fact that...you did not just sit still and toy with your uncomfortableness. you worked hard to find the cure. you'd want to get better. i know you'd to get better. because...you want to see harris walk, wanna see him talk...wanna see lisa crawl...wanna see me grad, work and million other things! because, then...you were still young...i've just had you for 22 years....terlalu kejap...terlalu kejap untuk aye berhenti menggunakan perkataan ayah...berhenti memanggil ayah...itu sebab ayah memang berusaha nak pulihkan penyakit ayah masa tu...i knew it!!!!! home from that same procedure that i had today...you were relief...glad...knowing that...after endoscopy...they ruled it as angin, so angin it is people! but the pain persisted ayah...it persisted...again...

you went to various other hospitals...mind you... to the respectable ones...again, same diagnose...why didn't they drew it out as POLYPS? COLON POLYPS? why? why? why? why? why? why? they said they found ulcers; before ulcers, it was polyps; after ulcers, its cancerous!!!!

anak ayah

"ok my dear, ur blood test is out...it's here with me..."
"ok...how is it? bad ah doc?"
"oh...no no no...everything is good...ur liver...ur lungs...all ok...bla bla bla ok...bla bla bla fine...ok...no problemmmm..."
>>fun - lega
"but..."
>>hah!
"but what doc?"
"do you have gastric my dear?"
"er...i don't think so..."
"come...lie down here..."

"pain here...?"
"a bit..."
"here?"
"not really..."
"ok, sit up straight for me please and take a deep breath..."
>>ala...kenapa nih...
"ok...come...here sit down."

"you have a lot of what we call bla bla bla bla bla in your stomach...do you belch a lot?
"oh yeah...belching is what i do during my free time, say since 3 years ago."
"okay...so i think...you have...bla bla bla bla bla...sometimes....bla bla bla angin...bla bla bla angin...bla bla bla give medicine...bla bla bla make angin go away...bla bla bla..."
"oh angin doc? just like what other doctors' diagnostics of my dad. angin angin angin..."
"oh...what happen to your dad?"
"oh...he passed away from stage four colon cancer....despite numerous visit to the hospitals...doctors just brushed him off as angin angin angin..."

silent

"well my dear...in that case...it is very crucial that u too do the endoscopy procedure at once...when can u get off form work? tomorrow?"
>>stunned
"do what doc?"
"endoscopy. it's a prcedure where we will bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. if we found cancer, we will just take it out immediately."
>>owh...nicely put. found cancer...JUST take it out...easy *whistle...yolah tu.
"wow...the possibility of me havin it is high?"
"yes my dear...cancer is very hereditary you see. it is very helpful that u told me about your father's condition just now."
"oh....ok..."
"so, when do you want to do it. i advise you to do it asap."
"next monday then."
"good."

terima kasih ayah.. in what ever condition or situation...i know you'd look after me...just imagine yah...they found 7 polyps...i bet yours started with polyps too...like you, i got a video too for keepsake...i watched it...its like watching horror movie!!!! when they "pluck" my polyps out...it bleed...hence the pantang from mama...ini tak boleh mkn itu tak boleh minum...macam pantang bersalin yah...boring!!!! haha...tapi tulah...kita ni suka sgt makan pedas...ayah lagilah..semuanyer nak letak cili api...hihi...but...should the doctors had diagnosed it otherwise...well, let's not dwell on that...ayah dah selamat dh pon kan yah...kita org yang kat atas muka bumi ni yang sebenarnya tak selamat lagi...hihi...

thanks yah. u saved me. u saved your girl. your little girl. memanglah den ni anak ayah.

four birthday cakes and four father's day

four birthday cakes and four father's days - all went cake-less, card-less, and present-less but never thought-less and wish-less. 
the concept of wish here went through some adjustment: from the conventional, westernised "happy 54th birthday ayah!!!!" or "happy father's day yah!!!!" to a simple but meaningful recite of the Al-Fatiha to our (counting in my other siblings and beloved mama) late father, Allahyarham Zainal Abidin Bin Omar. 

four years ago, july was just a month, like any other month. excitement peaks at the beginning of the month for my second big brother's birthday, which is on 3rd july. after that, na-da. 

that was four years ago.

four years ago today, we did not celebrate my brother's birthday like we used to for at this moment, our beloved father was admitted to the general hospital in our hometown. being the true general hospital that they are, procedure took a long, snail-y pace. i still remember my father twisted and curled on the tiny hospital bed, with forever-engraved frown on his forehead-an indication to how terrible his agony was at that time. 

that was between 1st to 2nd of july.

after much intervention, we managed to get him out of the general hospital in kuala pilah to be transferred to ppum. 

made a pit-stop of one night (i think) at his sister's in seremban. from there to kl on the 3rd, he demanded to be behind the wheel. i argued, he insisted, i let him be. i was with him in his green wira nbb 6115, mum in the other with his sister. little did i know, that would be his very last time driving, the very last time to be with his beloved 1.8L wira. come to think about it, i am glad for not pushing any further the idea of not letting him drive that day.

between 3rd and 6th, he was admitted, went through various tests and what not...i would say around this time that cancer surfaced.

7th was the day he knew abang didi finally made it, finally found what he wanted to do. we showed him a newspaper cutout with abang didi'd name printed on it. little did i know, that would be his very last time reading a newspaper. newspaper - a form of reading material that he was very fond of...for, 7th was also the day they decided to operate on him, to take the tumor out, and failed - after they discovered the tumor has spread uncontrollably, with an estimate weigh of 8kg. an operation scheduled to last for 2-3 hours, ended in just 5 minutes. 

between 7th and 18th, each day was filled with different kinds of emotion, from self-blaming to denial to angry to stunned to nothing. he drifted in and out of consciousness due to the morphine prescribed. the doctors said, all medicine failed, but hopes could keep him alive. for that, we lied to him. for that, he kept hoping, kept hoping that the 5-minute so-called surgery they promised him, would any time, work its magic onto his already-destroyed intestine. a week to 18th, i think, he knew, for i overheard he said to his wife, "ma, tak elok elok ni...kawan rasa...tulah ma..." soon after that, he began ranting about "nak balik, nak balik...nak balik rumah..." so, on the 18th, in so much pain, he went through the one hour and a half journey back home.

every 5 minute or so, he would asked, "kat mana ni dik?" "dah nak sampai dah yah..." "kat mana ni dik?" "dah kat bukit putus dah yah." "bukit putus? oohh nak sampai dah..." "dik, nak kencing..." "takpe yah...kencing jer..." "berhenti, nak gi toilet, kencing dalam toilet..." "ok yah, dah berhenti, ayah kencing lah.." "dah ada dalam toilet?" "dah yah..."
truth was, i lied to him. truth was, we were on a running ambulance, on his final journey, through the winding bukit putus - a stretch of road, he so loved to speed.

we purchased a bubbled mattress for him, despite the objection from the person selling it to us. (hey, i do not care if my father could only use it once, twice or not at all. whatever that i could do to make his final days comfortable, we, the whole family, would do it.) we made a room for him in the living hall. when we found that, it was difficult to turned him, or propped him up to cleaned his back, we rented a hospital, one with adjustable back and front. as we said before this, a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g that could make him comfortable.

between 18th and 21st, Alhamdullillah, my father received countless visitors - relatives, friends, neighbors, acquaintances. he was like "ni sapo ni...?" "den la nal...atan ni" "la atan, tak perasan den, duk tan duk..." on the morning of friday 21st, he asked us to washed him, he wanted to have his teeth brushed!!! he ate and drink more than usual, we could actually chat with him - Ya Allah - he was getting better we thought. we told him that abang didi was coming home - the rest was there by his side.

that - he got better briefly - was god's last gift to him. to let him talk and see his loved ones for the last time. abang didi arrived at 515 in the evening. he went inside and met ayah. it took ayah less than 15 minute to finally let go - for abang didi was the last person - to make the family picture perfect, to his eyes, for the last time. 

i have nothing to give you ayah, for your birthdays nor for father's days. i could give you - immortalised you in my writings and a meaningful Surah Al-Fatiha.

adik sayang ayah. adik sayang ayah sangat sangat. adik tak mempersoalkan dah kenapa ayah pergi cepat sangat. adik redha. semua yang berlaku ada sebab, ada hikmahnya. jumpa di sana yah.

tv bergerak

it breaks my heart looking at those deer grazing on the grass…although I could savor this image for only a few seconds, it was enough to cause a well of tears in my eyes……and last Saturday was not my first sighting of those deer.

kluang is not a foreign area for me. I used to frequent this place with my parents when we made the trip back to mum’s kampung in kota tinggi. dad loved to not use the highway to get to kota tinggi…so, we would have to go through segamat la…gopeng la…before we reached kota tinggi…and kluang was one of the pit stop as well. I wouldn’t have to read any signboard to know that I was in kluang…there’s a certain feel to it you know…although sometimes we would not even stop at kluang…but the area…made it all so familiar. One particular area made it oh so easy for me to eksyen with my dad: “yah…kita dah sampai kluang kan…”

as you are about to enter kluang…on you left hand side…you’ll see there’s a lot of these agricultural related buildings...one of it is on top of a small hill…more like a slope…surrounded with brick wall…and it has this big, very nice and very green yard…this yard is often occupied by groups of deer (I believe they are deer)…and whenever my dad drove past this place…these deer…never fail to cheer me up…never fail to make me go “yah…tengok tu yah…rusa yah rusa…rusa la yah…rusa…tengok tu yah…rusa yah…” for a guy who love to hunt…of course my dad love to see it…haha…

so, whenever I see the brick wall on the slope…and the deer…I would know that…”ok…kita dah sampai kluang…”

these deer, I can only watch for a mere second…I did not expect my dad to stop and feed my curiosity over the deer anyway…cos’ knowing him…I’d better not hope…haha…

he’s the kinda guy who would never…nah…not to say never…but prefer not to…haha…he’s the kinda guy who prefer not to bring his kids to places that he’d mentioned in his stories.

Enroute to perak…”ha dik…tu lah lata kijang…tengok tu tengok tu…” “wah yah…tingginya…putihnya air dia….jomlah pergi situ….” “aaa…nantilah…tak sempat kita nak sampai perak ni kang…” so boleh tengok…tak boleh pegi.

Enroute to johore…”ha ma…tu lah gunung ledang…gunung yang didi pernah panjat dulu tu…” “wah yah tingginya…” “tinggi kan…” “jomlah pergi dekat dekat…” “ha??...nantilah…” so boleh tengok…tak boleh pegi…

Enroute to Terengganu…”dik…adik masuk dalam simpang ni…ada air terjun…cantik…” “mana yah…” “tak nampak dari jalan ni…kena masuk simpang ni ha…” “masuklah yah…” “nantilah...” yang ni lagi hebat…boleh tengok simpang nak ke air terjun jer…tak boleh pergi pon…

Enroute to johore via kluang… “ma, kat sini lah anak si sape tu…tok ngah aris tu tinggal…si lagis ngan zakaria…” “oh ye ke bang…jomlah kita pergi melawat…” “nantilah…rumah dia yang mana satu pon kawan tak tau…” so boleh dengar jer…tak boleh pegi…

That’s way…until now…when I was not the one driving…I would prefer to watch tv in the car. The window is the tv…my dad would serve as the commentator, what’s flashes outside of the window…as the car was speeding at 140kmph, would be the accompanying visual to what he was describing at that moment.

  

Dah lama dah tak tengok tv siaran ayah…

So last Saturday, I watched the deer, flashed across my tv…only this time, not at 140kmph.

musim rambutan

 “ma, kalau kita kenal lelaki tu baru sebulan, lepas tu lelaki tu dah terus ajak kawin? Boleh ke ma?”

“boleh aje…ape salahnya…mama ngan ayah ko macam tu lah…”

“haaaaaaaaaa…????? Mama kenal ayah sebulan jer pastu mama dah terus kawin ngan ayah?”

“yelah…buat ape nak tunggu lama lama…”

“bukanlah nak kata tunggu lama lama ke ape…tapi…takkan tak payah kenal kenal dulu ke…”

“ala…mama ada kawan ngan sorang lelaki ni… …”

“Haaaa???? Mama ada kapel ngan orang lain ke sebelum mama jumpa ayah??? Mama ada boifren lain????”

“eh bukanlah kapel…kawan…kawan…”

“eleh…kawan konon…kapel la tu….berapa lama mama kapel ngan lelaki tu?”

“mama kawan….”

“kapel…”

“kawan…mama kawan dengan dia…eh lama jugak…dekat  enam tahun…”

“enam tahunnnnnn???? Kenapa tak jadi ma?”

“dah lelaki tu senyap je…tak ajak kawin ke ape ke…kita ni tak boleh lah nak buka suara…kita perempuan…lelaki tu lah yang kena bertindak…tu sebabnya dik...ko kot berkawan bertahun tahun lamanya...selalunyalah kan...mesti ko kawin ngan lelaki yang ko kenal barus ebulan dua...”

“habis tu?”

“tak lama lepas tu…mama jumpa ayah…tak lama tu terus kawin…”

“macam mana mama jumpa ayah?”

“mama tahan Land Rover ayah…kan ayah ko masa tu driver felcra…masa tu mama nak gi klinik kat pekan…”

“haaaaaa??? Mama main tahan jer Land Rover ayah…mama tak kenal pon ayah masa tu kan??”

“mana kenal lagi….mama dari dulu lagi suka benda free…bila tahan Land Rover ayah ko tu…dapatlah mama pegi pekan free…tak payah naik bas…”

“haaa….mama main naik jer kereta orang yang mama tak kenal…pastu?”

“pastu…masa tu musim rambutan…sebelum turun tu…mama ajaklah ayah gi makan rambutan besoknya tu….”

“mak ai….terus ajak makan rambutan…perghkkk…terbaeekkk…”

semenggah sikit

“ko dik…nak pilih laki…pilih yang ada kerjaya semenggah sikit…yang stabil”

"alaa..."

"laaa...betullah...kang ko kawin nanti...sape yang nak tanggung ko...takkan ko yang tanggung laki ko..."

“ala…mana aci…mama kawin dulu pon ngan driver felcra jer…boleh plak? Ha…ha…ha…double standard…double standard…”